lost time incident 80
Greetings, fellow sophisticates. Wrap yourselves in your vat-grown, cruelty-free mink fur stoles and make yourselves comfortable. Sip freely from your vat-grown, cruelty-free champagne as this newsletter unfolds. Take some time out from updating your will to leave all your assets to your pets and enjoy a completely different sort of odd behavior:
BEHOLD!
I’m in the middle of a two week “stay-cation”, which is why I have time to loll about mid-day on a Thursday composing a newsletter. I had booked this time off a while ago, thinking that inspiration might strike about what to do with it when it got here.
Well, it got here. And my plan of “not planning for it at all” reaped the expected harvest. I’m on my couch. Technically “relaxing.”
And since idle hands are the Devil’s Playground, I figured I may as well bother you, the reader.
So. What are YOU doing?
Go ahead and speak your response in the listening radius of any microphones you may own and I’ll pay a social media entity a few dollars to forward me your answer. <– Ha ha, suck it Black Mirror! This dystopian stuff is easy.
Anyway, on the off chance you haven’t already read everything I’ve ever written, here’s a few short things I’ve written for the season (he writes, as if he’s not writing Halloween-appropriate stuff all year).
halloween tips for farmers
1) Append the prefix blood- to all your crops for October! Bloodcorn! Bloodsoy! Bloodtatoes! [Please do not use this fun tip with rapeseed]
2) October is the only month all year when it’s okay if your scarecrow comes to life! Maybe loosen its ropes a little! Give the scary little straw-spook a fighting chance!
3) If all of your hens speak in one voice of the End Times, change up their feed mix. Roll them back to grower feed ’til they settle down.
4) Scythes! MORE SCYTHES! 5) Leave candy by the tractors. Do not look at the tractors.
BOO-berry pancakes
You will need:
- a box of pancake mix
- a source of clean water
- to have passed beyond the veil of this life yet remain, to have become a shimmering curtain fueled by unfulfilled desire
1. Knock that pancake mix box on the floor
2. Open all the taps in the house
3. Communicate to those living in the house a fraction of your quivering discontent by wailing and appearing during lightning strikes
Serves 8
monster adjacent financial advice
There’s no money to be made in stitching together parts from purloined bodies and using a tower-based lightning system to imbue them with life. The real money is in catering to the hobbyists who want to make their own monsters and selling them starter kits, supplies and how to guides.
More than half will never even make a single monster. They’ll spend money just so they can imagine themselves as the sort of person who stitches together and animates monsters.
[relatable content for good children late edition 29.09]
a wastrel child of no consequence: Hooray! It’s Halloween season! I want to parade about as a ghost and eat sweets!
you (a good child): A season? Nay. At every moment be aware of the skeleton within you, the aeons that came before you and the aeons that will come after you. The years that will crush even the memory of you. No candy can sweeten this knowledge, put it is pure and true.
ending theme song
Oh, hey there! You caught me trying to end a newsletter. If you’d like to see more of this sort of thing, there’s an archive available on my own website, signalstation.com. If you’d like to see less of this sort of thing, there’s an unsubscribe button below. We offer an entire range of options for the discerning reader and that’s what keeps us at the top of the regional newsletter customer service rankings! We’re here… for you!
Thank you for your support! You have all earned one (1) participation ribbon for making it this far! Wear it proudly.
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—Michael Van Vleet
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