Author: M Van Vleet

Anyone else making it out to the Future of Beef Expo this year? Eh? Don’t want to miss the first year they showcase spacesuits you can wear WITH your cow! No one else going? Just me? Only me? I’m alone? Mine is the only ticket purchased?

C’mon.

1) All the food on the snack table is forbidden. If you want any, you have to claim it was always yours and just take it.
2) Antivaxxers are welcome to take one (1) of the complimentary blankets provided.
3) Flags on everything. Flags flags flags. Those chunks in the dip? Flags.
4) Burn something. Food or childhood conceptions of the validity of borders. Or both.
5) Neglect to read or comprehend the provided rules.

I could invent a LARP where everyone plays a person who lays in a comfortable bed and naps but then I’d make too much money and be forced to retire and I’m not ready for that kind of easy life, I have a rough and tumble image to maintain.

SLEEP LARP: STANDARD EDITION
playbooks: Dozer, Yawnite, Snoozican

SLEEP LARP: STEALTH EDITION
playbooks: Rogue Sleeper, Undercover Op, Unidentified Bed Lump

SLEEP LARP: FANTASY EDITION
playbooks: Pillow Elf, Pajammies Gnome, “Human”

SLEEP LARP: IN SPAAACE
playbooks: Xenosnoozer, Mattress Marine, Blinking Night Light That Talks

1) Pavement Gum
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2) Sleeping in a Car
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3) Ransom Note
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4) Beach’s Fevered Shell
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BEHIND THE 7-11
has been voted the
2019 BEST PLACE TO COVER YOURSELF WITH LEAVES AND MAKE ‘NATURE NOISES’
Thanks to all of our readers who voted!

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I am in mythical shape, insofar as my body is a feared underworld upon which clothes may find themselves draped as penance for their sins.

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Very thankful the local A.I. told us about the natural phenomenon of windblown pod seeds, ’cause seriously, otherwise I’d assume the knocking on the vault door was someone desperate to get in and not just some husks banging against the door in a random sequence.

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Happy father’s day to all the life-bearing asteroids out there in space, striking planets and contaminating pristine systems with replicating organisms and whatnot.

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Live the kind of life where authorities are compelled to check your stomach contents so they can be shocked to find a license plate.

the moon: I’m gonna hit you in the eye.

pizza: Uh, that’s sorta my thing?

me: Please… you don’t have to fight over me. I have TWO eyes. You can both hit me!

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naturalist voice-over: And this, somehow, was “love,” red in tooth and claw, a debased nightmare fueled by evolutionary processes millions of years in the working.

The backers on my Patreon this month, they uh… they voted and, uh… they said I have to go out in the woods and fight a bear?

Even though I named my $1 tier “I’m deathly afraid of bears” and my $5 tier “I can’t go into the woods, the trees have destroyed my family” and my $10 tier “You can only stop me if you compel me to destroy myself”.

1) Slow your metabolism and sink into a mud pit deep enough to allow you a half foot clearance above your submerged form. Wait there, in torpor, until the floods come, though the earth may crack.

2) Drink plenty of fluids, except blood, except if you’re a Dracula in which case yes even blood could help.

3) Try to “neg” the sun. Ask it how it did in school. Ask it if it physically hurts to be so widely known to have been a poor student, as incandescent balls of gas go.

2015 – Mic Rushmore – My t-shirt ,likened to a pile of leaves, raked but not cleared before rain, damp, full of slugs, the raker in the hospital for exertion-related heart palpitations, in slow decline, never to return to their task

2013 – Freestyle Frenzee – My sexual history was impugned as being entirely unworthy of documenting in the perfumed diaries of any of my previous partners

2012 – Impromptu Cipher – Was called a “punk”