First day in prison, you dig a deep pit, place spikes at the bottom, cover it with a tarp. They got leaves at the commissary you can buy on credit. Put the leaves on top of the tarp, makes it look natural.
Then when the tiger comes, it’ll fall right in and you can sleep at night. One night.
Day two, you’re back to having no trap. And that’s where my system, PRISON IS A SET OF TRAPS, available on a set of 6 VHS tapes of $19.99 ea., comes in.
Since you missed it, here’s how the fight went. I started it off with some punch combos that left him without any memory of summer camp, 1987. He kicked me so hard that for a second, I thought my parents were proud of me. I flew up into the air, yelled so loud that three neighborhood dogs died of fright, then kicked three entire trees at him. One was evergreen, one grew inedible cherries and I forget the third because he deflected it with such force that history was rewritten and I only threw 2 trees. I’m the only one who remembers 3 trees. Do you know how that makes me feel?
What an exorcist won’t tell you is that you can get rid of a ghost— any ghost, regardless of originating era— by “getting freaky” and for $4.99 you can download my instructional PDF, GET THE FREAK OUT OF MY HOUSE, SPIRIT which has step by step instructions— “freak-structions”— suitable for any sized domicile and any freak level, from beginner to freakzilla.
Your Impure Heart Rests In My Leather Glove
Cuckoo’s Nest in Razor Wire
18 Nails On a Window Sill
A Butcher’s Apron for a Wedding Bed
A Drowned Cat’s Lullaby
The Signal: EP185 – Exactly 45 minutes of music custom suited to dancing with appliances (or other common household dancing companions.) How do you feel about Scottish melancholy post-rock? And some Belarusian post-punk (also kinda sad sounding)? We’ve got that, plus retro-80s jams, pop music, 60s R&B, cumbia, bass music, retro-space age electronica, Turkish pop and even some classic industrial. We’re all over the map, baby!
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. If you’d like to receive an email every time a new mix is posted, uh… ask me, I guess. I’m maintaining a mailing list by hand, like a yokel.
Hello, friend! Thank you for taking advantage of our introductory offer of [dragged back to the nest to feed the queen]. According to our records, you [were reduced to component parts, some stored, some consumed immediately]. We hope this met with your standards!
pick one: [happy face] [neutral face] [unhappy face]
1. A really nice skeleton foot
2. A really nice skull
3. A really nice set of ribs
4. Wait, this is a human body
5. Whose body is this
6. A really nice hand
7. Different hand
8. Just a real ass human bone set, are we doing a crime just looking?
9. Let’s pretend we didn’t find anything
10. C’mon, dude, don’t put that in your pocket, duuuuude
The Signal: EP184 – Exactly 45 minutes of tunes to put a spring in your step and a healthy curve in your spine. Join us this time out for sounds from around the world! We’ve got gnawa beats from Malawi, cumbia from Peru, coco from Brazil, groovin’ jazz from Djibouti and much more!
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. If you’d like to receive an email every time a new mix is posted, uh… ask me, I guess. I’m maintaining a mailing list by hand, like a yokel.
The three ghosts that visited me over Christmas are still here.
Now they’re holding boxes of candy. They’re dropping Valentine’s cards and roses in every room while I sleep, moaning about how I need to change my ways.
I have to live here, spirits, please.
Alone for the holidays? Did you know you can carve a face in a potato, or an apple, and just like that, you’ve ruined a potato, or an apple?
Still got some last minute holiday shopping to do? Did you know that the bottom of any lake can hold more secrets than you can possibly contain inside of you?
Give the gift of screaming into a lake this holiday season!