1) Slow your metabolism and sink into a mud pit deep enough to allow you a half foot clearance above your submerged form. Wait there, in torpor, until the floods come, though the earth may crack.
2) Drink plenty of fluids, except blood, except if you’re a Dracula in which case yes even blood could help.
3) Try to “neg” the sun. Ask it how it did in school. Ask it if it physically hurts to be so widely known to have been a poor student, as incandescent balls of gas go.
2015 – Mic Rushmore – My t-shirt ,likened to a pile of leaves, raked but not cleared before rain, damp, full of slugs, the raker in the hospital for exertion-related heart palpitations, in slow decline, never to return to their task
2013 – Freestyle Frenzee – My sexual history was impugned as being entirely unworthy of documenting in the perfumed diaries of any of my previous partners
2012 – Impromptu Cipher – Was called a “punk”
I’m okay with the youths forming dueling societies and wearing bright sashes indicating their success to date and prowess with the blade, but I wish they’d stick to official dueling areas.
I couldn’t go grab my lunch in my usual spot today ’cause two bravos were going at it in the potato chip aisle, flashing blades cutting open vacuum-sealed bags when they failed to land home, the air full of potato bits and seasoning dust and for what? Honor?
What is honor compared to lunch?
lost time incident 84
There’s a heat advisory today in the Bay Area as temperatures climb up to around 90, maybe, which doesn’t seem quite hot enough for a heat advisory. The weather people, though, they know we’re soft. I’m hiding inside, windows open for cross breezes, glancing out the window suspiciously at all that sunlight bouncing off the red flowers the hummingbirds are enjoying.
I haven’t been writing as much microfiction recently for two reasons: the day job has been kicking my butt, and my current preferred writing project is role-playing-related. (I’m trying to write up a horror scenario concept I came up with into a suitable condition for self-publishing.)
But there’s enough good stuff to fill out a newsletter. Want proof? Okay, here we go!
you didn’t get into one of the good wizard schools (roll 1d6)
1) A rat wearing a band-aid cordially invites you to Larry’s Spell Hut Down By the Highway
2) An email invites you to Lovely Brides Magic Delivery Upon Deposit
3) Welcome to the Magic Wand Warehouse, we prosecute shoplifters
4) An acceptance letter to Codfrey’s College (Illuminated) won’t let go of your hand
5) Univ. of Arkon Plumbottom says: You’re in!
6) Your check bounced but with Discount Wizardz, you can pay us with eggs
official U.S. high school social hierarchy reference for fiction
wake me up in 5000 years
They say dress for the job you want, which is why I’m dressed like a warrior from the distant past, awakened from my eternal slumber, determined to seek revenge (in between comical interludes where I interact clumsily with the modern era, astounded by how things have changed from back in my day).
ending theme song
Okay! Those sure were some words, hey kids? There’s no way you can mistake it for anything else. It wasn’t an ice sculpture. It wasn’t a majestic redwood, towering in the coastal mist. It wasn’t a gothic protagonist from an old paperback’s cover fleeing from a dark building on a hill while wearing only a nightgown. It wasn’t a pet’s water bowl. It wasn’t a quarterly 401k report that you’ll file unread.
The twist: OR WAS IT!?!?
Okay, gotta go, after that amazing story twist where this email was actually a redwood tree, I gotta head down to the highway on-ramp, stick out my thumb, and make it to Hollywood where The Twilight Zone collective plies their trade. I can’t hide this light under a bushel. I don’t even know where I’d find a bushel.
Oh, and real quick, if you still haven’t picked up my e-book, don’t worry: the world’s power grid is still fairly stable, so you can go download it for free (or you could pay for it, moneybags): https://gumroad.com/l/witchestown
You don’t even have to read it. Just put it on a computer or e-book reader and then update your will so, after you’re gone, your kids won’t fight about who gets to inherit it. Otherwise, they’re totally gonna. It’ll be a bloodbath.
Nobody wants that.
Well, maybe Big Blood, the industry flacks who are always bribing legislators to use more blood. But other than them…
—Michael Van Vleet
Hey! Did you enjoy reading this? But did you find yourself thinking “Dang, if only this sort of thing were delivered directly into my inbox so I didn’t have to spend time on a website as if it were still the 90s or something!”?
You’re in luck! You can subscribe to the LOST TIME INCIDENT newsletter and finally class up your inbox.
They say dress for the job you want, which is why I’m dressed like a warrior from the distant past, awakened from my eternal slumber, determined to seek revenge (inbetween comical interludes where I interact clumsily with the modern era, astounded by how things have changed from back in my day).
Was I a “cool kid” in high school? Heh. You tell me…
[in this scenario, the addressed “you” are a multi-limbed creature, your head a nimbus of flame, your back an eruption of wings, in every hand a sword and your gaze a distillation of the concept of justice]
1) There’s vendor booths outside that’ll sell you supplies, or “I Conquered the Dungeon and All I Got Was This Leather Jerkin”-type items
2) Skeletons in the first room don’t even look up when you walk in
3) Glossy trifold brochures with complete maps littered everywhere
4) No one reset traps after last use (spike pits open, etc.)
5) You have to take a number and wait in line to face the “villain” at its center
TOP – The Golden Teeth Children – wealthy, have replaced much of their body with gold (internally)
2nd – Puppet Club Members
3rd – Sports Moppets
4th – The A/V Consortium and their Unseen Tapes
5th – The one kid with the leather jacket
6th – The one kid with the denim jacket
7th – Class Clowns
8th – Economists
9th – Smaller children passing as older children (trench coats, stacking, fake mustache)
10th – List Compilers
1) A rat wearing a band-aid cordially invites you to Larry’s Spell Hut Down By the Highway
2) An email invites you to Lovely Brides Magic Delivery Upon Deposit
3) Welcome to the Magic Wand Warehouse, we prosecute shoplifters
4) An acceptance letter to Codfrey’s College (Illuminated) won’t let go of your hand
5) Univ. of Arkon Plumbottom says: You’re in!
6) Your check bounced but with Discount Wizardz, you can pay us with eggs
Bad news for our medieval faire’s spring entertainment, fellow serfs: Couldn’t find a bear for the bear-baiting. Found a wetbrain willing to stumble around in furs and have the dogs bark at’m, but that’s it. At least the Rolling In Mud carnival game is still a “go.” Lots prizes for the kids, up to and including having a local baron kick you especially hard and remember your name.