Category: Words Words Words

lost time incident 82 – thank you for your service, electronics

lost time incident 82 - a sports car drives at night down a foggy road... it's very 80s VHS


lost time incident 82
I had to get a new microwave recently. I don’t know how old the previous microwave was, but it could tell lots of stories about “the war” and they always involved sabers, mud, a sky choked with smoke, and shivering in a trench, feverish from some bug-borne disease, reading the last dirt-smudged postcard from home over and over again.

The old microwave is sitting in the closet now, “in retirement,” until we have an occasion to rent a car, at which time we’ll take it to the local recycling center where … okay, honestly I don’t know what happens to it at that point, but I hope they treat it with the respect it deserves.

The best part is now I don’t have to clean it. It’s gross as heck and that doesn’t matter anymore.

The new microwave has a Potato button. This has been the stand-out achievement of the new year so far. I can put a single potato in there, press some points on the microwave’s face (thus informing it “You have a single potato in you”, and it handles the rest. Amazing.

“A potato? One potato? Got it. Say no more,” says the new microwave.

This new microwave has never even traveled abroad, let alone taken a life. This new microwave has three frequently updated social media accounts and has never screamed that its gas mask won’t seal as yellow clouds swept right over its rotating glass carousel.

…

Anyway. This is a newsletter of some sort. At some point in the past, you signed up to receive it. Now that you’ve read about microwaves at war, perhaps you regret it.

“Why doesn’t this email contain a 10% off coupon for a store I visited for 3 minutes in 2009?” you may be thinking. “Why doesn’t this email have a subject line designed to make me panicky about the future so I’ll donate to a politician?” you may be thinking. “Why did I decide that I would never learn to read? What do all these squiggles in my Inbox mean?” you may be thinking. (Okay, odds are against that last one, but MAYBE.)

Hi.

I don’t have anything I particularly needed to check in about. Just had a mid-day with no distractions and I don’t want to go grocery shopping, which would be the responsible thing to do.

So you get this. Whatever this is.

tips for staying warm this winter

  1. Consider your grudges. Nurse them. Cup them close like tiny flames.
  2. Never go outside
  3. Recognize that the world is an interpretation and invention of the mind, so what if your mind went: “It’s not cold.” Could that help?
  4. The whole planet’s warming up and will kill us all, and one day you’ll look back on this cold in envy, so… just hang in there.

so you picked up a spectral hitchhiker…
 It happened again, eh friend? No worries! Just remember this simple mnemonic: F.U.D.G.E.!

Fulfill
Unfinished
Duties,
Ghost
Evaporates!

Simply drive the spirit where it wishes to go, or help it enact its vengeance, and then you’ll be alone in your car again in no time!

ending theme song
Okay! I’ve taken up enough of your time. Just kidding, I’m going to take up more of your time by pointing out that with my wife Amanda, I’ve been blazing a trail through the craziest hidden object games we can find and hoo boy— we just completed a doozy.

If you don’t know anything about hidden object games, then we’re going to start you on the black diamond course, baby. Strap a board on your feet and check out STRAY SOULS: DOLLHOUSE STORY with us.

I would love to stick around and chat for longer, but my library book is due back in a few days so… I’m very busy.

Hope you’re doing well! If you own property, consider setting aside an entire room that bees can live in… they need help and it’s probably tax deductible! Okay, goodBYE!

—Michael Van Vleet

Hey! Did you enjoy reading this? But did you find yourself thinking “Dang, if only this sort of thing were delivered directly into my inbox so I didn’t have to spend time on a website as if it were still the 90s or something!”?

You’re in luck! You can subscribe to the LOST TIME INCIDENT newsletter and finally class up your inbox. 

prelude to terror

A town full of Draculas in two-story suburban castles. A young Dracula stands on their tomb-like porch and stares into the twilight gloom of the woods… the terrifying woods that surround the town.

They say a creature lurks out there. On quiet nights you can hear its call.

“Become my cooooontact on Linnnnnnked…. Innnnnn!”

A recruiter stalks the woods with the bonds of employment and the child Dracula bites their lip in fear of its attention, resolves not to wander.

But.. what if…

Less-Than-Ideal Companions for a Child Who Has Fallen Into a Wonderland (1d10)

1) A hermit crab with a terrible sense of direction
2) A hunk of thistles tugged from the soil
3) One’s own homework, animated
4) Gary, who’s not your REAL dad
5) Chewing gum golem
6) Pope Pius IX
7) A talking “This Way To Exit Wonderland” signpost
8) The number 8
9) A collection of awful smells
10) Any rabid animal: dog, raccoon, bat, huffaloomph, airship spider, electric beffle, hoop sisters, etc.

is this a poem

What if…

What if you had a torch and went down into the mountain’s heart and maybe a locked door stabbed you but you got it open and you finally meet the immortal witch king and he’s on his blood throne surrounded by gold, but his skeleton face sees you come in and he just

sighs

and says ‘oh hey’

SO YOU’VE OPENED A FORGOTTEN TOMB… WHAT NAMELESS HORROR DID YOU AWAKEN? (1d6)

  1. Something that looks like if snot was a ghost.
  2. A thing once human, preserved and— apparently— quite angry.
  3. A labor dispute ’cause you underpay the people who helped dig out the tomb and they know you’ve got deep pockets and no plans of sharing profits, you colonial jerk.
  4. Bats. Holding student loan bills. Overdue.
  5. Gary?! How’d he get in there? He’s not nameless… or a horror! Damn it, Gary, you were supposed to be watching the mules!
  6. So many germs. So… so many.

if i fcked with the line breaks this’d be a poem

There used to be more cowboys but they fell. In a hole. There’s a fence up now, but there’s a gap in it, and if you know where it is you can go look into the hole, crawling on yer belly like a sidewinder and in the distant dimness you can see flashes of hat. Hear a faint jingle of spur.

One time a lasso come up but it went back down and that was it.

Yeehaw.

TIPS FOR STAYING WARM THIS WINTER

1) Consider your grudges. Nurse them. Cup them close like tiny flames.

2) Never go outside.

3) Recognize that the world is an interpretation and invention of the mind, so what if your mind went: “It’s not cold.” Could that help?

4) The whole planet’s warming up and will kill us all, and one day you’ll look back on this cold in envy, so… just hang in there.

the fine print

A dystopian future where purchasing a product from a company with a “friendly” public-facing marketing identity involves agreeing to spend a quiet afternoon hanging out with an AI hologram of their founder who just wants to make sure you’re doing well.

“[Product] workin’ out for you? Fine, fine. You drinking plenty of water? Good, good. You know, there’s few pleasures in the world that can match donning a freshly laundered shawl or lap blanket, am I right?”

Chompers Champ

A competitive tooth fairy game where every player competes to liberate the most teeth.

Ejeb – Wields a hammer. Wants to build a tooth golem.

Wantteck – Jackhammer. Invested heavily in soft-foods industry: apple sauce magnate.

Yefph – High velocity candy cannon. Just… just hates teeth. Hates ’em.

the masked mystery

*putting on a Stan Lee mask made from mud and straw, waving hands in the air mysteriously*

A hero appears… and she shall be called… SPARKJOY!

And she can make bad guys… throw away their stuff! Zap! Their laser gun goes right in the trash!

*a hooting and hollering as the attended faithful begin a shuffling dance around a fire*

I’ve been reading Sean Howe’s book about Marvel Comics this last week and how they were arriving a bit late to every cultural party, chasing the blaxploitation/kung fu/disco dollar and it sparked the above idea about a cargo cult coming up with superheroes. That’s it. That’s the whole bit.