Visit Scenic Warble’s Hollow! We’ve got fun for the whole family!
* Two restaurants!
* The Library of Smells! Take an olfactory tour of all of mankind’s knowledge!
* Public crosswalks!
* Free ice cream cones (for people who have ice cream but no storage solutions, as loose ice cream is banned thanks to a recently passed local ordnance)
* Lake Pleg!
* Hiking trails in the empty mall!
What are you waiting for?
Please ask your rich friends to follow this account and let me know who they are, so I can be nice to them. I’m not sure I can create a funny enough GoFundMe so that when I am finally struck down for my many sins I can attract pity money with some chuckles. I need to plan ahead.
—
A nurse pulls my phone out of my bandaged hands and I collapse back into the hospital bed. She scrolls a bit.
“I didn’t laugh once at any of this. Not once. It’s like you don’t want to recover.”
In a delirium I sense that I’m being moved.
“Some of our patients do their most creative work in this hallway,” says the nurse. “They find it motivating. Probably because the sliding external doors for this wing are stuck open and we let coyotes roam the halls at night.”
Got a request to help come up with a list of 10 shops and their proprietors and managed to generate the following in 15-20 minutes:
A Girl: (punches through my exoskeleton then releases an EMP pulse to fry all solid state systems before launching me out an airlock)
Me: (4 hours later, heat shielding burning away in the upper atmosphere, immobile, SOS beacon unanswered) Wait… was she *flirting* with me?
This Cursed Idol – Available instantly to anyone who formally asks me for it! Comes with a nifty set of itching scars on your sinister hand that glows in low light! Perfect for children and easier on the household budget than a night light!
Please! Please celebrate the holidays!
Collection includes:
* A professor (‘hobo’ style) balances juggling pins, basic western civ texts [8 sec]
* FPV walk across quad, clown undergrads in all directions, waving, friendly, pie-covered [2 min. no sound]
*Slow pan across library shelves, female clown opens book that squirts water in face [12 sec]
ORDER NOW and ensure your clown academy’s recruitment video attracts a bumper crop of undergrads TODAY!
Me: I wouldn’t say I knew Yorick well. Not well-well. I knew OF Yorick.
JUDGE: May I remind the defendant that they are under oath.
Me: Whoah! Whoah-whoah-whoah! I’m in a COURT?! I thought I was just making a dumb Shakespeare joke on Mastodon! This is– this is– I don’t know WHAT this is!
ALIENS VISITING THE HUMAN ZOO WHERE THEY’VE RECREATED A COURTROOM AS A ‘HUMAN HABITAT’: [unrecognizable sounds in a wavelength outside our hearing]
GOD (looking out window, noticing neighbor’s new amazing donkey): You know what? Good for them. I could be jealous about that donkey, but why would I? I can make infinite donkeys. Even better donkeys, actually. In fact….
[jots down note on TO DO list: Remember to make donkey jealousy a CRIME]
1) Knock a photo to the floor together! See which of you can get the glass to break so the photo’s owner can take the photo out of the frame and remember better times, before they moved into YOUR HOUSE!
2) With your sweetheart, pick an ear and whisper threats in stereo to disturb the dreams of a person sleeping and dreaming in YOUR HOUSE!
3) One milkshake with two straws! Cute! (Requires a milkshake that has ‘unfinished business’ on this plane)
It’s Wednesday and we all know what that means! Secrets! Secrets! the children bellow and it’s down to the basement to once again unearth the Secrets Jar from the soft soil nearest the jars of preserves.
It’s that magical day of the week when we allow one of our family’s horrifying secrets out, to be spoken aloud through the smallest crack in the sealed lid, a grandparent’s voice admitting a truth that’s now outlived them.
One more from a lifetime’s accumulation and no more, ’til next week!