Category: Words Words Words

“I don’t care if all your friends are wearing robes for their little chanting thing now. If they all jumped off a cliff and into the spinning maw of a god they’ve summoned from the cold pressure of the ocean floor, would you jump too?”

– My mom, when I asked her if I could join my friends’ cult, and the reason I don’t have any friends (plus they got eaten anyway)

Okay, too many of you idiots have been getting tomb-cursed and I’m sick of all the moaning about “oh, the sand bugs, they eating me” and “oh, I wander a hell of ancestors and drown in the Nile when I blink”

I am putting this orange cone RIGHT in front of the pyramid. It is now OUT OF ORDER.

Now start RESPECTING the ORANGE CONE.

Just picked up my badge for PickleCon. Got the whole weekend to soak in brine ahead of me. My mouth is full of peppers and spices. There’s a panel discussion on root cellar storage that’s taking place in a giant Mason jar and the line’s around the block, it’s crazy.

Where my pickleheads at, who wants to meet up and dissolve in some vinegar and go blind?

When evoked, I’ve been known to:
[   ] Erupt as a cloud of biting locusts
[   ] Pinch a wound shut for a while
[   ] Sour wine and milk
[   ] Fill out quizzes
[   ] Weaken the limbs of children

RESULTS:
YOU ARE: Not an ancient rune at all.
Runes are inanimate things. Merely concepts. You… you are thing of wonder. Look at you, moving through time, dancing atoms. You’re beyond quizzes.

• I’m a strong person. I can overcome any obstacle and I’m capable of taking very shallow breaths for long periods of time, in between periods of vigorous shouting.

 

• I’m a valued person. I have true friends and loving relatives who will definitely come find me here where they’ve mistakenly interred me.

 

• I’m a patient person. All good things come in time, even if the good thing is rising as a skeleton in 200 years as part of a summoned army.

PR AGENT (slaps in VHS): Here’s what we’ve got!

[video: Handsome couple smiles, gives thumbs up.

Graphic: MUMMIES! They’re Just Like Us!*

announcer VFX (very rapid): “except they have fewer organs, smell like old rags, are highly flammable, are animated by dark forces, and have no appreciation for relic preservation.”]

PR AGENT: What do you think?

(Mummies look at each other across office table, then the air is suddenly thick with flying, flesh-rending beetles.)

YOU SEE: a swamp hag, matted hair to her toes, protective and venomous herbs woven into it, chittering under your front porch

I SEE: a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it, and 100% comfortable with her appearance

LIKE this post to ESCAPE THE HAG CURSE, BOOST this post to AAAH SHE’S GOT ME!

1) A brass mask – Seems to generate nightmares for those who’ve held it

2) A statuette of a bull-headed figure – Nightmare-inducing

3) A leather bag of unknown origin, filled with coins – More nightmares

4) A mummy that appears to whisper whenever a breeze enters this storage facility – Lots of scientific potential!

5) A shadowy movement in the corner of my eyes – Probably nothing. Just kidding: so many nightmares

Tired of these at-home catapult kits. Not a single one of them can vault me past the heavens and into the sun where I belong. Every launch, another disappointment, another set of cracked limbs endured while suspended in a neighbor’s tree.

[relatable memes stolen from monstrous social media circles]:

WHEN YOU WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD

[you, a GOD-fearing wretch] : oh no what have I done? will the curse ever set me free so I no longer warp into a bestial nightmare under the full moon? help me LORD

[me, a wise creature beyond GOD’s sight] : another fine sleep in my blood pool , the best investment i’ve ever made for my health