1) The Double Pumparoonie
2) Lady Finger Dancer
3) Flirtation on Ice
4) Palm Skweeesh
5) The Bone-y Tentacle
I don’t know about you folks, but with the rankings as volatile as they’ve been this year, I’m on the edge of my seat to see where we’ll be at year’s end.
And that’s news… you can shake on!
Okay, I thought it was weird when your wedding invitation was slipped to me in a microfilm canister, but I’ve been on this train streaking through a barren European landscape for 3 days now, pursued by armed men with serious mustaches, and as I’m climbing on top of the lead car to leap off a bridge to safety, I’m starting to think think maybe that wasn’t a wedding invite.
Anyway, please disregard my RSVP, which will self-destruct in 10… 9…
The First Barbarian Pacifist
Doesn’t believe in violence, but enforces pacifism with swift, brutal acts of violence. When fighting, aims to maim/cripple so that opponents can’t continue fighting.
“You still have most of your fingers. You can’t wield a sword, but you can feed yourself… you can still hug a child. Or you can go for that knife and lose even more.”
—
The Conspiracy Wizard
Every tome and scroll they find is linked… somehow. But how… and WHY?!
“In every spell book, we see the same components, the same words of power, repeated again and again. It can’t be a coincidence. When I cast a fireball… who really benefits? There’s something going on here.”
[Want to browse more of our characters, free to a good home?]
lost time incident 79
Hey, everybody! How’s life treating you? Finding fresh food and water? Avoiding large predators? Found a buddy to get any parasites off you? Good, good, good.
For the first weekend in quite some time, I’m actually having to put in some overtime and an outside spectator would think this is no big deal. After all, instead of spending a nice day lounging around on a couch reading the internet, I had to spend a nice day lounging on the couch with a work-related laptop doing work-related thingsinstead.
You see?!? You see why capitalism was a mistake?
I’m writing this newsletter to you in one tab and in another, have pulled up schematics for guillotines.
Anyway.
Actually, the thing I wanted to share with you is some news I’m excited about: I got lucky and spotted an artist on Mastodon whose work I dug the heck out of. Their name is Sajan Rai and you should check out their Instagram where they’ve been pairing illustrations and haiku for a while. I liked Sajan’s art so much, in fact, that I reached out about commissioning a cover for that long-planned, slow-going collection of my microfiction from the witches.town year that I’ve been working on.
I haven’t given up on it. I do, however, keep complicating things by continuing to write new microfiction on Mastodon that also fits the project thematically, so I keep throwing new stuff in instead of editing, which is less fun.
Anyway, Sajan floated a roughed out idea and I thought you folks might want to see it:
Just a concept, obviously, and the foreground figure is going to evolve, but… isn’t that neat?
Now all I have to do is finish the book that’s supposed to fit behind this cover. Piece of cake.
In the meanwhile, maybe you’d like to read some short nonsense?
tex’s coffin warehouse
Hey there, cowgirls & boys on the lost time incident mailing list! We would be tickled pink if you would come visit us at Tex’s Coffin Warehouse when you’re able.
We got ALL kinds of coffins! Don’t believe us? Well… How about we prove it then? Check THIS out!
We have coffin models available now in all the latest, hottest styles. We’ve got:
Come on down, climb into a few of our coffins to take ’em for a spin, and when you’re ready to check out, make sure to mention “lost time incident” and not only will we take 5% off your ENTIRE purchase… we’ll make sure you get buried with a hand-selected glossy magazine Reading Package in a waterproof pouch. Just in case you need something to read when you get there!
We’ll see you… deep in the heart of Tex’s!
ending theme song
Sure, I usually put more fiction in these things, but you know what? Not today. I’ve only got a half weekend, so I’ve got more errands to run. I just wanted to make sure you guys got to share my excitement about the thumbnail sketch.
Anyway. Time to get some groceries, I guess. Because it’s 2018 and I’m still eating food like I’m on the African savannah, newly erect, waving to the last few Neanderthals, instead of eating a single food pill a day like a civilized citizen of the future.
I keep the world’s knowledge in a flat, electrified square of fancy rocks and electrons in my pocket, but I still have to eat?
Hope you’re doing well. Hope you’re doing better than you were. If you’re not, you’ll get there soon. Hang in there. As a species, we can throw things at the sun. You’re part of that. Way to go.
—Michael Van Vleet
Hey! Did you enjoy reading this? But did you find yourself thinking “Dang, if only this sort of thing were delivered directly into my inbox so I didn’t have to spend time on a website as if it were still the 90s or something!”?
You’re in luck! You can subscribe to the LOST TIME INCIDENT newsletter and finally class up your inbox.
When I had pet cats, I would frequently mimic their meows back at them, sometimes longer and louder– you know, to make fun of them– but they didn’t understand irony and so instead learned also to drag out their cries ’til we were equally obnoxious.
If I ever end up in a haunted house, I’m just going to make things worse, going “no, bOOOoooOOOooooOOOOO!” back at some dumb ghost.
Writing “spooky” on the wall with my own blood and a backward ‘s’ to clown on the unquiet dead.
(looking a ghost in its deep black eyes while throwing my own dishes on the floor) Yeah, that’s right, I can poltergeist too! WHAT.”
What my coworkers think I do
[an illustration of a robed figure shrouded in lightning, flame-limned fingertips channeling terrifying power]
What my coven thinks I do
[an… image… but… of such inky depth… it’s hard to… there’s an endless depth here, a vertiginous plummeting distance. What’s down there? What’s coming UP AT US?!?]
What my kids think I do
[A person in a plastic 2D witch’s mask hands out candy at Halloween]
Thanks for booking your travel with us. Here are 1,922 “travel points”, redeemable for magazines about people who travel more than you OR for a collection of 8 leaves of various autumnal hues.
[ ] Fill my mailbox with envy
[ ] With enough leaves I can become a mulch, carefree and quiet
“We’ve painted ivy and birds on all the rusty farm implements that came with the place,” said millennial Austin. “Sure, the old guy at the gas station keeps telling us we’re doomed every time we bike by, but you know, isn’t everyone?”
The local disfigured giant in stained overalls and identity-obscuring facewear was unavailable for comment.
Thanks for tuning into WBOG – “Voice of the Swamp”, coming at you with non-stop swamp sounds ever since the levee failed, all the people left, and there was that one government program that bought radios for frogs.
Thanks for listening, frog buddies!
WBOG Programming Schedule: Wed. Evenings
5-6 A Sinking Galumph with Moist David
7-8 Sounds Get Wet with Joanie
8-9 SPONSORED: The Mosquito Abatement Power Hour Call-In Show
9-10 A Low Hum and the Sound of Your Own Breathing
10-11 Just the Low Hum
11-12 Just the Low Hum
FRAMED … for a crime she didn’t commit!
MUMMIFIED … by a prison gang of rogue Egyptologists!
EXPLODED … into freedom by an overturned dynamite truck accident near the prison!
It’s… ESCAPE OF THE INNOCENT MUMMY
She’s wrapped in rags and looking to find the REAL killer… the TRIVIA KING of WEST RAPIDS, who’s on a winning streak and headed to the NATIONALS!
There’s nothing TRIVIAL about REVENGE in… ESCAPE OF THE INNOCENT MUMMY … in 3D!
Rated R