It was much easier, pre-technology, to rent a cabin on the shore of a cursed lake.
Used to be families could disappear, but you and your terrified community knew you could continue to appease the lake because westward expansion would continue to deliver new renters.
These days, you spend all your time politely responding to AirBnB reviews like “Thanks for the feedback about the missing children. We did mention that risk in our listing, but can offer a 10% rebooking discount for next time!”
YOU HAVE SIGNED UP FOR
Dracula’s House of Jokes!
A DISTRIBUTION NETWORK FOR laughs! RUN BY [undisclosed]
TODAY’S MESSAGE
What do you get if you come to my grand estate outside of town beyond the mists I can have my driver pick you up ha ha ha no don’t put the part where I’m laughing that makes it sound like a trap no don’t say anything about a trap this is a nice mailing list for jokes and invitations to my estate oh it’s ruined do not send
[UNSUBSCRIBE]
[next billing cycle: Jul 1]
A SLOVENLY CHILD: oh boy, that was a good meal, time to go outside and play, abandoning my dishes on the table and not washing my hands!
YOU (A GOOD CHILD): anything I’ve touched must be cleansed with fire lest it fall into the hands of my enemies, who can fashion a totem from any crumb that touched my lips and bend the universe against me through the connection I once had with it… I must move through this world without a trace
Drag down the sky and chain it out back, it’s Friday and it’s time to FOLLOW!
Sharpen your teeth and wind your hempen binders, it’s time to follow the following:
) The Stars – See how they bend?
) Ajdur, The Mouth Full of Ashes – Want to be rid of desire, dancing for months straight in service of this being that drowns pleasure in its wake? Follow!
) Kult Buddies (TM) – If you prefer your cultist robe to have a cute logo & your name on it, follow the KBs! They’re hiring! Ask for Gary!
Who wants to come over and play board games? I’ve got ’em all, I’ve got:
* ESCAPE from SEVERAL MONKEYS ISLAND
* DICE MASSACRE
* THAT’S LIFE: The Game Played with Wet Napkins
* ALIENS ABDUCTED MY HEALTHCARE
* Prussia 1882: 700 Miniature Soldiers Edition with Kickstarter Exclusive Bandage Packs and Soggy Boots
* Monopoly (SACCO & VANZETTI edition)
[relatable content for good children june 27 2018 early edition]
TEEN: aw man, my parents are so uncool, they always hide the car keys inside this drawer full of amulets that quiver with power and draw the eye and hand from across the room with unspoken compulsion and I just need to get in practice with parallel parking
YOU (A GOOD CHILD): grasp the amulets and let them burn your skin. we won’t need cars when we can master the air itself
Got the new StoMACH 2 installed at my neighborhood organic street surgery ’cause my job updating database tags to add “mood” descriptors to financial transactions had me feeling confident I’d be able to afford the patented StoMACH 2 vitamin slurry packets, like, forever, but even though I prepaid for a 5 year contract, their funding didn’t come through so the admins all moved to an undersea tax shelter, all orders cancelled and I can’t digest anything
how’s your Monday going?
Found out the translation plugin I got in my throat for this trip has been translating everything I say into a sales pitch for vitamin supplements because my payment for the paid version didn’t go through and the ad-supported freemium version got hacked by pharmaceutical unaffiliates, so…
How’s your Monday going?
visit scenic SECTOR ZETA where the cyberdreams of the 80s & 90s are alive and well!
we’ve got:
) razorgirls and rental phones
) sex bucket arrays with parallel processing
) a neon sign
) a guy who wears those sunglasses that are just, like, a line? Like, straight across?
) money is called ‘creds’… every day!
bring the family and bring your deck to jack in today!
Those aren’t teeth and the examination room’s door should be barred immediately with whatever furniture is available, then reinforced, before the entire place is lit on fire.
The 5th dentist never left the examination room and will be missed.
THE NEWS: oh boy, things are uncivil, you should probably be concerned though no one is asking your opinion about anything
ME: [ensconced inside a hermit crab shell-like structure made of unread books, mud brick, and pointy sticks] I need a bigger shell