Category: Words Words Words

1 – 

Out in the woods, I become as vapor. Invisible. Unseen. Even when I chop veggies for a salad, the deer are unfazed.

“Must be a woodpecker,” they antler at each other.

The fools.

2 – 

Only a fool hunts deer wearing a belt. To a deer, a belt is like a foghorn wrapped in a freight train with an explosion-in-a-cymbal-factory glaze.

“Here comes some fool with their pants up,” the deer antler at each other, scornful. “As none dare hunt us with their shame uncovered, by their belts shall we know them, and we will always be safe in these woods.”

To hunt the deer, your pants must defy both God and gravity UNSEEN.

3 – 

“I just had the craziest feeling,” a deer antlered at another deer. “As if an entire territory, where we’ve lived our whole lives, the shape of which is alien to our conception, formed by other minds that cannot speak via antler… just vanished.”

“Where are we now, then?” antlered the other deer.

“Lost,” came the antlered response.

Jellyfish jackets that use photoreceptors to slowly charge a shock weapon. Gangsters walking around with iridescent long coats, casting colors on the walls, indicating a full charge.

Once the trigger is pulled the coat drapes, floppy and dark, until it can recharge.

Which leads to an arms race of developing the look of light-up coats without the weapon, so you look dangerous but the fuzz can’t hang anything on you.

Or faking the light so no one knows you’re out of ammo.

She’s the Chosen One, gifted with Firefang, a sentient sword that’s also a wizard, but she keeps leaning it up against things and forgetting it.

A Voidcrow big as four houses pecks the roof off and she’s on the phone with Lost and Found, finger in her ear to hear over all the caw-ing and screaming.

The ocean has receded and a tidal wave is coming and she’s flipped over every couch cushion, yanked ever drawer out, cutlery on the floor. “It was JUST … HERE.”

The faeries came and traded our baby for a fake leg. Thing’s totally made out of wood and there’s not enough liquor in the house to help us see a resemblance to our missing kiddo.

But the clothing store doesn’t take returns, so that leg’s getting dressed up in a sun bonnet. That leg’s getting a stroller ride along the beach.

Eventually, that leg’s getting a college fund, faeries. We don’t care. We had life plans and we’re sticking to ’em. Us and leg baby.

Hear that, faeries? WE’RE FINE!

Hey, get on the boat!
Going for a cruise!
Parasols and drinks!
Shuffleboard and naps!
Clinging to the nets!
Salt encrusted hair!
Gems around our necks!
Seaweed in our eyes!
Swearing a new oath!
Vengeance of the sea!
Death to all who sail!
This cruise ends in blood!
Blood and endless shrimp!

all the recruiters are reaching out on linkedin and each of them have profiles that list competencies such as

* The Closing Fist
* The Tongue Taste of Time
* Inside-Outing
* Skin Collection

and the inbox notifications, they can be seen from across the room, why is that?

Job market’s tight. Job market’s constricting.

Venture capitalist finds a way to paywall death itself.

There they are, standing outside the hospice, screaming through window, “If you don’t want PREMIUM, then just WATCH AN AD!” and all the old people, brittle and immortal, watch the soaps and eat the soups.

Sometimes you think “Man, things are going pretty well right now” and you can forget that there’s a tree out there, beyond the village’s glow, that has scratchy branches and a you-shaped hole in its center, waiting for you to wander out amongst the shadow-shrouded & silent woods.

[I don’t know much about Pokemon, but I’ve seen some pictures, I guess]

Two children stand facing each other. One of them has a prison orb in his hand, which he opens and shakes, slinging a snot rocket creature into the schoolyard’s dust in a wet streak. But this snot is alive! And in great pain, its moisture being wicked away by playground dirt!

“Attack!” shouts its young master, kicking it, and his shoe’s tip launches a wedge of wet slime into the mouth of the other child, causing them to retch. “Effective.”

Finally, the weather outside is warming up and we all know what that means!

Time to wrap our limbs in liniments and cotton wrappings to protect ourselves against the insect hordes that seek our precious bodily fluids. “No more grandparents lifted and flown off” is the commitment of the day, so every leg wrap is carefully tied to a safety harness & anvil.

Sure, from a distance we resemble bug-covered mummies, but it’s safety first and fun second and there’s no hope the bugs’ll ever leave third.