You (a fool): A ouija board is good fun at a slumber party and it’s fun to watch Melissa freak out when we spell out her crush’s name
Me (a genius): [preening my feathers and beak, a flying incarnation of clawed fury, above the rooftops of the town where I am known by many names: The Nightmare Crow; Feather Hell; Eye-Stealer] Does Melissa really like me?
Elliot was the kind of criminal to put on 18 different latex masks for a midnight burglary. Every surveillance camera sees a different Elliot.
“Almost passing out is part of the thrill,” he said. “At first you can’t breathe but as you discard a face in each room you enter, it gets easier.”
1) Denial – “Ayii! This can’t be happening!” Mind shrivels. Institutionalization.
2) Anger – “Why was I spawned on this damned world with doom over my head like a suspended blade?”, written in filth on padded walls.
3) Familiarization – Fun nicknames for the horror. “Mr. Tentacles.” “My Pal, The Unseen Color”
4) [unknown]
5) Acceptance – The realization that you were always doomed. What difference does the form of that doom make?
RIP Barbara Bush, the country’s first First Lady, inventor of the bird bath, hero of The Battle of Bloodshot Gulch, 1938 flying disc gold medal champion in the Bombay Flying Disc competition, the only person to have ever eaten an entire bear, and the face of the 100-cent penny.
Did you know?!?
Among her children are: A US President, a Pirate King, a Cyborg Astronaut, a Whispy Ghost, a Thing of Teeth, a Pair of Pigment-Free Twins, a Rock, and an Assistant Manager of an Iced Cream Parlour?
It’s true!
Did you know?!?
When asked about what society owes to its poorest members, she was quoted as saying “Girrum a-starbing inner vickles if’n chance awllers!”
Wise words from a wise woman.
Should you ever find yourself in witch prison, sealed by arcane runes because of actions you’ve undertaken (bending the world to your will, etc.), just remember that the reputation you make on your first day will set the tone.
Go up to the biggest witch you can find, introduce yourself, then ask for a boost. If they’re really big, they can chuck you over the wall and you’re out and free, ready to pursue the dark arts again.
[Rune-binding is nice, but it doesn’t make walls taller, so…]
oh you think necromancers are cool?
i control a skeleton every day, every time i move, and you don’t see me bragging or wearing bones and raven feathers or raising an army of the dead and whatnot
and i’m plenty cool and so are you
(immediately have my books knocked out of my hands as I get shoved into a grave by some necromancer jock)
The ref shakes his head sadly. “There’s nothing in the rules that says your soccer team CAN’T include a forward whose coloration is unrecognizable to human eyes such that our eyes slide off and we can only infer their presence on the field by the movement of the ball and the sound of their hot breath.”
| Things Sacrificed at the Ebony Altar (Because the Nice Altar is in the Shop) | What Happened |
| eye of newt | transformed a regular newt into a one-eyed newt with trust issues |
| an ancient tome, bristling with knowledge best forgotten | forgot all the knowledge |
| a receipt for the nice altar that, in hindsight, maybe I should have held on to ’cause I think I need it when I pick it up again from the shop | a being of smoke and fire appeared and put in their pocket |
| a mixtape of smooth jams | the smoke/fire creature realized I have a crush on it |
sorry you guys, a mustachioed man had me tied to train tracks, is why I’m late and why I’m bisected
sorry you guys, some hipster cannibals flew me into the jungle in a private jet then tricked me into climbing into a big stew pot ’cause it looked like a hot tub, is why I’m late and smell like carrots and potatoes
sorry you guys, my rocket’s jets wouldn’t turn off, which is why I’m late and why you’re finding this recorded message next to my skeleton, inside an astronaut suit, on a dusty planetoid where I’ve spelled out the word S-O-R-R-Y with rocks, visible from space
A circus strongman in the middle of the tent. A series of weights that increase in size are arranged around him in a spiral, small in the center where the strongman starts, equal in height to the elephants that preceded the strongman on stage out by the tent’s edge
He lifts and sets down, moves over, lifts and sets down, moves over
He follows the weight trail out beyond the tent flaps until, in the parking lot, he comes across a weight labeled THE HISTORICAL INJUSTICES THAT GAVE YOU YOUR LIFE