Money can’t buy happiness.
Money can only buy copper-bottom cauldrons, the remains of an entire cave’s population of plague bats, accelerant, secret herbs from cursed cracks in the earth, recipes for plague bat extract, and a map of where your enemies refill their drinking flasks.
So.
“Eat your vegetables,” they say, and never say why. “Eat your vegetables,” they roar as we hide under furniture. EAT YOUR VEGETABLES and the very mountains shake, their deep roots cracking with the strength of growing, curling roots, a thick ichor pushing towards the sky.
It’s everything people like about a cocoon (you turn to mush, consciousness ends) but now it requires electricity to run!
Supporter Levels:
$100 – You can get in a K0KK00N
$500 – We’ll let whatever you become out of the K0KK00N
UNLOCK LEVELS
$1M – Everyone will be put in K0KK00Ns
$2M – They will never be opened and we will embrace the void as goop
Has this ever happened to you?
Time and again you find yourself pulled from sleep’s embrace by the crushing weight of a cackling spectral crone who’s crouching on your chest?
If so, follow our very simple program:
1) Realize that sleep is just lost time. You weren’t accomplishing anything anyway. Be grateful you’re awake again.
2) Truly value the contributions of crones. If not for them, who would take on these valuable chest-crushing responsibilities? Spookums? As if!
3) Thank your crone with nice smoke offerings, and some lentils left behind your stove (uncooked).
It’s that easy!
PAID FOR BY THE LENTIL COUNCIL
A library, several blocks in size. After an arduous application process that includes two in-person interviews you get a membership card.
Every book you pull off of the shelves consists of nothing but crowing at how easy it is to create a library. The materials are cheap and the more exclusive you make it seem, the harder fools will try to get access.
At quiet tables, readers with their heads in their hands, finding every book a testament to their folly, unwilling to leave.
The villagers have once again voted for a particularly decorative gourd to lead the Council of Spirits this year. Among its responsibilities will be interceding on our behalf with the spirit world, making sure that no spectral demands go unmet, etc. etc.
Unfortunately, it is still true this year as it has been in previous years that gourds, no matter how shapely, are still vegetables and unable to communicate.
Not with us. Not with spooks.
But while we’re pulled from our warm beds by skeletal hands for the next few years, we’ll always have fond memories of the gourd’s fetching profile from those campaign posters.
YOU ARE INVITED
to a musical
JAMBOREE!
NO COVER CHARGE
— bring your beautiful bones —
**free calcium chews with every admission but you have to eat them immediately**
MAIN STAGE
Ogres But Not the Kind That Eat Bones
SECOND STAGE
Slurptime and The Marrow Spiders
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE please don’t make me take another quiz I don’t want to know any more about myself QUIZ!
YOU GOT:
RACHEL! A sassy mother hen who knows how to party but also knows that proper nutrition can’t be overlooked. Your best friend is: A VAGUE SENSE OF UNKNOWING. You’ll work best with: X511, DRONE BEE.
This is a rare result! Only 3% of our survey takers are RACHEL!
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18. If you were a doll, what accessories would come with you?
– A ball of wet hair, swallowed and accumulated over years, removed surgically
– a blanket of capped fungi, slick to the touch, undulating
– the kind of deep sorrow that can only be safely stored in mud
– burning eyes in the dark
– like, a comb
– the secret names of The Nine Masters and knowledge of where they dwell, free or imprisoned
So much of magic is just done with staples. Not a lot of people know that.
Rabbit in a hat? It’s pinned in there with animal-friendly staples.
Crystal ball? Full of staples. You can hear ’em if you slosh the ball around.
Is this your card? Nope. It’s just a pile of loose staples.
Every star and moon on my robes is stapled on.
The magic was inside you all along and that’s too bad, because now the magic is stuck there. You shouldn’t be eating staples.