Category: Words Words Words

Tips For If You Wake Up Underground, Possibly In A Grave:
1) If your face has room, try to spit. If the spit falls away from your face, you’re face down. You need to flip before climbing out of the damp earth
2) Think back: Did you say anything that could have been construed by the Thrice Charmed Lady of the Swamp as an insult?
3) When you surface, look for a tombstone. Is there one? With your name? If so, everything makes sense. If not, then…
4) Spit up mud, prepare vengeance as needed.

Here at Baby Tooth Warehouse, we get asked one question the most often:

How can you provide such low low prices on teeth?

The answer: VOLUME.

At Baby Tooth Warehouse, our buyers compete in the Far Kingdom’s Tooth Fairy Markets to bring you the BEST prices on top shelf baby teeth!

These specialist buyers spend YEARS in the Far Kingdom on our customers’ behalf (though it only seems like weeks have passed to those of us still here at the corporate office… and thank goodness, because the overtime costs would eat up all that dental profit!).

When our buyers return to the modern world, dazed and disheveled, their families hardly recognize them! But I’ll tell you what DOES get recognized: Those good, good bargains here at Baby Tooth Warehouse!

Please. Please just buy baby teeth from us. Our buyers have sacrificed so much. They had no idea what they were in for. We don’t warn them… the bargains are too important. Our customers are too important.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee, or until the salt circle has been confirmed inviolate, the sacred stones lit, the Soul Blenders put on standby, the Circle of Eight gathered, the chanting of the verses that unstick time completed, the clouds have fallen, and The Queen of Blue Sorrows is ascendant.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but you do need to supply us with a hank of hair, a vial of blood, complete the three day chant of binding, sign a nondisclosure agreement, summon a minor thoughtform and have it perform up to three tricks or japes, get fitted for a hooded robe, sage your cubicle, and give a canceled check to payroll.

(tarot reading)

The medium flips a card. I lean over to read the label: THE FLIPPING CARD.

The card features a tiny illustration of a medium flipping a card and a tiny illustrated me reading the label.

“Is that good?”

The medium shrugs. “It’s accurate.”

(tarot reading)

*flips over cards reading STOP EATING GARBAGE and GET REGULAR SLEEP*

“That’s the thing with the Tarot: It’s so open to interpretation. No way to know what it means.”

Things to Keep in Mind When Choosing a Familiar:

1. Is it familiar? Don’t pick animals you don’t know or your mind can’t recognize b/c of an other-dimensional origin.
2. Does it match your aesthetic? Or can you afford a wardrobe change? (e.g. a crow likes shiny… is your hair already threaded with reflective bits and bobs?)
3. Price range: A small budget shouldn’t be an obstacle. Bugs and slugs are plentiful and free.
4. Does it like magic stuff? A familiar that yawns a lot is distracting.

Things We Have Thrown Into the Lake and What Has Thereby Been Summoned:

• A pineapple: Nothing
• A lover’s gift: Regret
• A fish: Friendship with all fish
• A wax sphere: Nothing
• A doll bound in string & hair: Nothing
• A tooth: The Tooth Spirit of the Lake
• A magazine: A forest ranger who asked me to stop littering in the lake

It’s Friday and you know what that means! It’s time to put on your boots and head out into the deep swamp to leave treats for the Bog Witch! Seven more days of pleasant damp dreams for all of us! Seven more days of crocodile thoughts and slow mangrove vibrations! Hooray for the Bog Witch! Treats for the Bog Witch!

It’s Friday and you know what that means!

It’s time to shift all of the blame for the terrible things we’ve done to a goat. And then we have to parade the goat through the whole village and let the goat apologize to everyone.

The the goat is crowned and rules the village for the entire weekend. Hail Queen Goat! How you have suffered for us! Our souls are clean and you are damned to rule!