lost time incident 59
Night has fallen on a day spent puttering around with a fiction project that feels like it’s taking too long. It’s not, of course, as it’s a hobby and as such, has no expected delivery date. But I’m used to the quick thrills of writing short nonsense online, basking in a few near-immediate “likes” and then going back to creative loafing. Creating a longer piece is something I don’t yet have much practice at, so how would I know how long it takes?
Anyway. I didn’t start on this thing you’re reading just to chat about another piece I should be working on instead. I started on this thing because it’s easier than the other project and I thought it would make for a nice break.
So thanks for being part of my procrastination.
This week, I’m again highlighting short warm-up pieces I wrote over on witches.town. As a themed exercise, for a short while I was trawling through Cosmopolitan’s website, swiping blog post titles.
how to get a beach body
1) Write down on parchment a list of everyone who wants to see you fail.
2) Go to the beach under the light of the moon.
3) Wet the sand with tears, form it into a humanoid shape.
4) Insert your list into the shape’s “head”.
5) Complete the 18th Ward (Diremoth’s Chain), command the winds, and utter 3 lost names.
Voila! Your beach body will rise, ready to confound your enemies.
TO DISMISS: Say aloud “I look good” and believe it. This may take some practice.
3 rules anyone with oily skin needs to follow
1) All oil should stay on the outside of your skin. All of those who have attempted the reverse have liquefied and now live in tanks, or in village wells, cursed.
2) Never allow yourself to be kept from any Temple of Fortune. With your oily skin, it will be easy to squeeze your way through the Goddess Chimneys that they provide to allow Fortune herself to come and go as she pleases. Won’t the guards be shocked to see you winning at the games tables, shiny and glowing, despite their attempts to ban you?
3) Continue following our beauty tips, for though you are already beautiful, education is forever.
3 ways to spice up your relationship this summer
1) Marinate your partner in a brine for four hours. While their skin loosens, you can pass the time reading them love poems! When it’s loose enough, slip their skin off their skeleton and put it on yourself. Touch yourself through their skin. Let them watch you dance in it. Tell them how hot their skeleton is. TIP: Don’t forget to reglove them before they dry out!
2) Spanking! Have you tried it? Oh geez! It’s great!
3) Open a portal to the CoLoUr Realm and go with your lover outside of time, never to return. Rates are reduced while our realms are nearest! Any travel witch can arrange the trip!
4 Ways to Fix the Most Common Shaving Mistakes
1) Apply oil and old parchment to a mirror in a door’s shape. A small sacrifice should allow your mirror twin to exit the mirror with its untouched skin and take over your life while you recover.
2) Curse the gods until, out of fear, they restore your skin.
3) Never shave. Let dark winds and your weird will animate every hair on your body into a beautiful weapon for use against your foes.
4) With 3 sharp intakes of breath and a virgin’s eyelash, cause time to reverse until your razor’s blade is restored to ore in a mountain’s heart. That’ll teach it.
ending theme song
That’s it for this week. I hope you’ve enjoyed some beauty & wellness tips from a distant and weird universe. I’ve got a few more hours of consciousness left, so I’m gonna try and chip away on the big project a bit more before the weekend’s over.
Hope your week is off to a good start!
—Michael Van Vleet