Collection includes:
* A professor (‘hobo’ style) balances juggling pins, basic western civ texts [8 sec]
* FPV walk across quad, clown undergrads in all directions, waving, friendly, pie-covered [2 min. no sound]
*Slow pan across library shelves, female clown opens book that squirts water in face [12 sec]
ORDER NOW and ensure your clown academy’s recruitment video attracts a bumper crop of undergrads TODAY!
Me: I wouldn’t say I knew Yorick well. Not well-well. I knew OF Yorick.
JUDGE: May I remind the defendant that they are under oath.
Me: Whoah! Whoah-whoah-whoah! I’m in a COURT?! I thought I was just making a dumb Shakespeare joke on Mastodon! This is– this is– I don’t know WHAT this is!
ALIENS VISITING THE HUMAN ZOO WHERE THEY’VE RECREATED A COURTROOM AS A ‘HUMAN HABITAT’: [unrecognizable sounds in a wavelength outside our hearing]
GOD (looking out window, noticing neighbor’s new amazing donkey): You know what? Good for them. I could be jealous about that donkey, but why would I? I can make infinite donkeys. Even better donkeys, actually. In fact….
[jots down note on TO DO list: Remember to make donkey jealousy a CRIME]
1) Knock a photo to the floor together! See which of you can get the glass to break so the photo’s owner can take the photo out of the frame and remember better times, before they moved into YOUR HOUSE!
2) With your sweetheart, pick an ear and whisper threats in stereo to disturb the dreams of a person sleeping and dreaming in YOUR HOUSE!
3) One milkshake with two straws! Cute! (Requires a milkshake that has ‘unfinished business’ on this plane)
The Signal: EP151 – Exactly 45 minutes of orb-lighting music, perfect for beach gatherings and for eye-laser accompaniment. We’ve got a sexy one for you: hip hop gold, crunchy beats and bass, a brass band covering a post-punk classic, sex magic, a night in Lesbos, Brazilian kisses and more!
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.
It’s Wednesday and we all know what that means! Secrets! Secrets! the children bellow and it’s down to the basement to once again unearth the Secrets Jar from the soft soil nearest the jars of preserves.
It’s that magical day of the week when we allow one of our family’s horrifying secrets out, to be spoken aloud through the smallest crack in the sealed lid, a grandparent’s voice admitting a truth that’s now outlived them.
One more from a lifetime’s accumulation and no more, ’til next week!
NOTE: The following are no longer acceptable formats for one’s “clown name”
) A disease with the letter -O appended to the end
) A series of hoots known to enrage the local primate population, bestirring them from their usual peaceful fruit-eating
) A distinct whistle
) Whalesong
) A stranger’s social security number, purchased online with a cryptocurrency
) My name, even if prefixed with “The Amazing” or “The Astounding” and certainly not with “The Merely Adequate”
lost time incident 81
Do you watch the news? It’s a dirty habit but some people like to stay informed. You may or may not know that the part of the United States I live in is in the middle of a slow-motion ecological disaster. Acres of California have surrendered to flames and the resulting smoke has drifted down to gift the San Francisco Bay Area with the world’s worst air.
Fellow pedestrians in the last week have adapted speedily to post-apocalyptic couture, some making do with white disposable face masks, while those with deeper pockets sport masks with protruding plastic filters and somehow nobody is shrieking, or shaking the shoulders of passerby.
We pretty much got used to it immediately.
It’s the end of the world, but we’ve still got to get to the office.
Breathing outside for a day is like smoking 14 cigarettes, but some people smoke 14 cigarettes so what’s the big deal?
Anyway, if you haven’t heard from me in awhile, it’s ’cause I had to buy a long enough extension cord to run an air purifier out in the middle of the street, so this should all be cleared up soon. I took care of it.
Just kidding, it’s probably going to happen every year, and we’ll have expensive designer face masks in our closets as seasonal wear until our own homes are consigned to flames and we, now piles of ashes, call in sick to work.
Until that happens, want to read some mildly amusing stuff?
HOW TO OVERTHROW A GOVERNMENT
1. Find out what crabs like to eat. Probably gross stuff.
2. Acquire lots of crab food and feed a lot of crabs.
3. Befriend the crabs. Tell them your vision for a new government. Really sell them on it.
4. March on the seats of power with a motivated crab army of friends and true believers.
5).Chase out the scum with your seething wave of claws! (Once you’ve chased out the scum with yr claws, continue to step 6.)
6. Set a date for free elections (and ban crab feasts)!
HOW TO STEAL A CAR
1. Identify a car. Is it locked? Continue to step 2.
2. Approach the door’s lock. (There should only be one.)
3. Breathe on the lock. That’s it.
4. Press yourself firmly against the lock until you squish in and fill the lock completely.
5. Turn yourself.
6. Enter the car.
7. Write your name on the registration with your best handwriting.
8. Check the back seat for Draculas. If no Draculas, continue to step 10.
9. AAAH! DRACULAS!
10. Finish stealing the car.
SIGNS YOUR EXORCIST MAY NOT BE LEGIT
1. Their sole piece of equipment they call a “Ghostbustin’ stick,” which you suspect is a storm-blown tree limb from your neighbor’s lawn.
2. They claim they learned how to exorcise “from the streets” and so you ask “Which streets?” but when you go to those named streets, they still look pretty haunted actually.
3. When asked their favorite thing about being an exorcist, they say “Working in a field that has no centralized licensing authority.”
[illustration: Pete Toms]
ending theme song
That exorcism bit is an old one, newly rewritten with the benefit of years of experience. It appeared in my last short fiction collection, THE SPIRIT LEFT ME, which I’ve put up for sale on Gumroad even though it’s available for free elsewhere. Just in case anyone wants to give me a dollar.
This version contains all the computer desktop images I put together to promote the book back in the day. That’s something.
Anyway.
How do I usually end these things?
—Michael Van Vleet
Hey! Did you enjoy reading this? But did you find yourself thinking “Dang, if only this sort of thing were delivered directly into my inbox so I didn’t have to spend time on a website as if it were still the 90s or something!”?
You’re in luck! You can subscribe to the LOST TIME INCIDENT newsletter and finally class up your inbox.
1) Find out what crabs like to eat. Probably gross stuff.
2) Acquire lots of crab food and feed a lot of crabs
3) Befriend the crabs. Tell them your vision for a new government. Really sell them on it.
4) March on the seats of power with a motivated crab army of friends and true believers
5) Chase out the scum with your seething wave of claws! (Once you’ve chased out the scum with yr claws, continue to step 6)
6) Set a date for free elections (and ban crab feasts)!
1. Identify a car. Is it locked? Continue to step 2.
2. Approach the door’s lock. (There should only be one.)
3. Breathe on the lock. That’s it.
4. Press yourself firmly against the lock until you squish in and fill the lock completely.
5. Turn yourself.
6. Enter the car.
7. Write your name on the registration with your best handwriting.
8. Check the back seat for Draculas. If no Draculas, continue to step 10.
9. AAAH! DRACULAS!
10. Finish stealing the car.