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“I can make you the Zeppelin Pope at the head of a typhoon armada.”
“Hi, are you a human or human adjacent and desirous of company from other fellow non-robot companions who talk nice and it’s not weird they don’t have a smell?”
“How about butts, huh? All of ’em?”
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5-800 bedrooms (unsure)
1 distant unapproachable bathroom
Maybe 3 stories, 1 of which is in the 1800s(?)
Priced to move. Is currently moving. Is approaching town 2 ft/week.
Great for parties! All exterior doors can be bolted shut from the outside.
I came up with an idea that amused me and posted it on Mastodon yesterday:
A D&D sorcerer is supposed to have a source of their magic, right?
What if it’s Geoff? Geoff just… doesn’t have time for adventuring anymore. Has a collection of artifacts, but you know, family has to come first. The best stuff is on display, but some is in storage. If an adventurer wants to borrow magical power, then sure… but only if they bring it back later! Just part of being a good neighbor.
“I don’t know, I guess I’ve just outgrown magic?”
OK, Geoff.
I really liked the idea of a magical patron who looks down on you because they’ve grown up and become the equivalent of a suburban dad… they’ve “made it.”
The problem with Geoff as your magical patron is you sometimes feel like he’s holding it over your head, so you can’t turn down an invite to his BBQ, even though his kids are annoying and he overcooks everything.
He seems way too eager to hear about your adventures, and says stuff like “Yeah, I probably would have done it slightly different, but… I’m just glad the magic is getting some use, you know?”
“Never grow up,” Geoff sighs, not even realizing the insult.
Geoff would have magical artifacts he could loan out as if they were power tools from his shed.
“A blood sacrifice? Oh heck no, neighbor. I got this blood cauldron out back, it never goes empty. I’ve been tinkering with it to reduce the hum, you know? Annoys the spouse, but if it’s not humming, it’s not drawing blood from some infinitely renewable blood dimension! Hey, you want another beer? Can you grab me one while you’re in the cooler? I just got comfy in this lawn chair.”
His casual condescension would be infuriating, but if you want to keep on as an adventuring warlock, you had to put up with him, even though every time he thinks he’s being supportive, it comes off as passively denigrating… especially galling if your obligations to him are actively keeping you from adventures.
“Oh man, you got invited to go to the Tombs of Deathmaw? Next time you HAVE to go. Did I ever show you my slides from there? But seriously, I really appreciate you helping me prime the wood for this fence. With the stormy season coming, it was now or never, right? Besides, those Tombs aren’t going anywhere. You’ve got time, you’re young.”
Anyway, a super-exciting result of all this scribbling is that it caught the eye of Nick Wedig (an actual writer of role-playing games), who took the idea and ran with it, creating a useable outline for a D&D warlock patron based on this idea of mine.
So now anybody could roll up a character with a Geoff of their own on their side. For as long as they can put up with him.
[original image source credit: Amanda Kerr on Unsplash]
The only reason the world hasn’t ended isn’t because the ceremony’s incantation is written in an “unspeakable language.”
It’s perfectly speakable.
It just sounds ridiculous.
Lots of “bluh” and “duh” and “phbhbh” sounds in it, and the repeated phrase “I’m a big dummy who wants to end the world”. If you robe-wearing weirdos could get over your egos, we could have this wrapped up pronto.
!! CONSUMER ALERT!!
DO NOT SUBSCRIBE to Horror Liquids, the monthly horror subscription services that sends you horrifying liquids in the mail.
The packaging is always inadequate and every box arrives sodden and dripping. The only horrors you’ll face are the clean-up and the blood tests for exposure.
[vfx ANNOUNCER] They can’t be swayed. They can’t be reasoned with. Even their peers are afraid of…
THE FIFTH DENTIST
[sfx: scream]
[vfx MALE VOICE] “No! NO! I’ve already asked FOUR TIMES! They said I was SAFE!”
[vfx SPOOKY VOICE] “Y O U D I D N ‘ T A S K M E”
[vfx ANNOUNCER] THE FIFTH DENTIST
Please do not come see this movie if you have a heart condition, a panic disorder, or if you don’t floss.
THE FIFTH DENTIST
An apple a day… does NOTHING.
In theaters soon.
) A podcast subscriber
) Agoraphobe
) Person who has a leaf of iceberg lettuce on their head like it’s a wig or something, I dunno
) You, but from a timeline where everything went right… a happier you
“I don’t care if all your friends are wearing robes for their little chanting thing now. If they all jumped off a cliff and into the spinning maw of a god they’ve summoned from the cold pressure of the ocean floor, would you jump too?”
– My mom, when I asked her if I could join my friends’ cult, and the reason I don’t have any friends (plus they got eaten anyway)
Okay, too many of you idiots have been getting tomb-cursed and I’m sick of all the moaning about “oh, the sand bugs, they eating me” and “oh, I wander a hell of ancestors and drown in the Nile when I blink”
I am putting this orange cone RIGHT in front of the pyramid. It is now OUT OF ORDER.
Now start RESPECTING the ORANGE CONE.
Just picked up my badge for PickleCon. Got the whole weekend to soak in brine ahead of me. My mouth is full of peppers and spices. There’s a panel discussion on root cellar storage that’s taking place in a giant Mason jar and the line’s around the block, it’s crazy.
Where my pickleheads at, who wants to meet up and dissolve in some vinegar and go blind?