• I’m a strong person. I can overcome any obstacle and I’m capable of taking very shallow breaths for long periods of time, in between periods of vigorous shouting.

 

• I’m a valued person. I have true friends and loving relatives who will definitely come find me here where they’ve mistakenly interred me.

 

• I’m a patient person. All good things come in time, even if the good thing is rising as a skeleton in 200 years as part of a summoned army.

PR AGENT (slaps in VHS): Here’s what we’ve got!

[video: Handsome couple smiles, gives thumbs up.

Graphic: MUMMIES! They’re Just Like Us!*

announcer VFX (very rapid): “except they have fewer organs, smell like old rags, are highly flammable, are animated by dark forces, and have no appreciation for relic preservation.”]

PR AGENT: What do you think?

(Mummies look at each other across office table, then the air is suddenly thick with flying, flesh-rending beetles.)

YOU SEE: a swamp hag, matted hair to her toes, protective and venomous herbs woven into it, chittering under your front porch

I SEE: a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it, and 100% comfortable with her appearance

LIKE this post to ESCAPE THE HAG CURSE, BOOST this post to AAAH SHE’S GOT ME!

1) A brass mask – Seems to generate nightmares for those who’ve held it

2) A statuette of a bull-headed figure – Nightmare-inducing

3) A leather bag of unknown origin, filled with coins – More nightmares

4) A mummy that appears to whisper whenever a breeze enters this storage facility – Lots of scientific potential!

5) A shadowy movement in the corner of my eyes – Probably nothing. Just kidding: so many nightmares

Tired of these at-home catapult kits. Not a single one of them can vault me past the heavens and into the sun where I belong. Every launch, another disappointment, another set of cracked limbs endured while suspended in a neighbor’s tree.

[relatable memes stolen from monstrous social media circles]:

WHEN YOU WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD

[you, a GOD-fearing wretch] : oh no what have I done? will the curse ever set me free so I no longer warp into a bestial nightmare under the full moon? help me LORD

[me, a wise creature beyond GOD’s sight] : another fine sleep in my blood pool , the best investment i’ve ever made for my health

) Most times drowned by undersea creatures preparatory to being dragged to their kingdom and installed as a puppet ruler

) Most time lost while in fae lands while a double of you ruins your life here

) Most grafted unnecessary organs (human/animal) for performance in a day

) Most romantic dates taken with a compiler of world records

Our ancestors were like us in many ways, save for one: Many of them did not know you could lead a horse to water. They had to come up with a saying.

So many dried up horses back then, rustling like dead leaves when they galloped.

Our small town is currently under siege by a HAINT: so far 3 people turned to tar, 1 cow taught how to speak, much glass broken, TVs don’t work.

SEEKING: Haint Exorcist

No pay on offer at this time, but good exposure for an exorcist just starting out. We’ll have Jermald, whose mind was wiped blank with fear, hold a sign with your name on the entry path to town for a year (or as long as Jermald holds out, they ain’t looking good or eating regular) as FREE advertising.