YOU SEE: a swamp hag, matted hair to her toes, protective and venomous herbs woven into it, chittering under your front porch
I SEE: a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it, and 100% comfortable with her appearance
LIKE this post to ESCAPE THE HAG CURSE, BOOST this post to AAAH SHE’S GOT ME!
1) A brass mask – Seems to generate nightmares for those who’ve held it
2) A statuette of a bull-headed figure – Nightmare-inducing
3) A leather bag of unknown origin, filled with coins – More nightmares
4) A mummy that appears to whisper whenever a breeze enters this storage facility – Lots of scientific potential!
5) A shadowy movement in the corner of my eyes – Probably nothing. Just kidding: so many nightmares
Tired of these at-home catapult kits. Not a single one of them can vault me past the heavens and into the sun where I belong. Every launch, another disappointment, another set of cracked limbs endured while suspended in a neighbor’s tree.
[relatable memes stolen from monstrous social media circles]:
WHEN YOU WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD
[you, a GOD-fearing wretch] : oh no what have I done? will the curse ever set me free so I no longer warp into a bestial nightmare under the full moon? help me LORD
[me, a wise creature beyond GOD’s sight] : another fine sleep in my blood pool , the best investment i’ve ever made for my health
) Most times drowned by undersea creatures preparatory to being dragged to their kingdom and installed as a puppet ruler
) Most time lost while in fae lands while a double of you ruins your life here
) Most grafted unnecessary organs (human/animal) for performance in a day
) Most romantic dates taken with a compiler of world records
Our ancestors were like us in many ways, save for one: Many of them did not know you could lead a horse to water. They had to come up with a saying.
So many dried up horses back then, rustling like dead leaves when they galloped.
Our small town is currently under siege by a HAINT: so far 3 people turned to tar, 1 cow taught how to speak, much glass broken, TVs don’t work.
SEEKING: Haint Exorcist
No pay on offer at this time, but good exposure for an exorcist just starting out. We’ll have Jermald, whose mind was wiped blank with fear, hold a sign with your name on the entry path to town for a year (or as long as Jermald holds out, they ain’t looking good or eating regular) as FREE advertising.
[picture of a suit-wearing gentleman toasting with a goblet]
caption: When the peasants still fear you
[picture of someone, eyes wide with terror, clawing at a door’s frame as the door is being pushed shut to leave them in darkness]
caption: When the peasants don’t fear you, but fear the dark and the weight of untold time
—
😂 so true!
😬 peasant jokes? in 2018? get out of the castle every once in awhile
a sticky-fingered imp: “My teeth are impermanent and will be replaced, so I live to stick honeyed treats in my gob regardless of cost. My mouth should be a cave of delights, host to sugar wonders.
you (a good child): The world is bitter so I must know bitter. My mouth is full of small sharp stones, my breath a mineral whisper. The stones cost nothing and instruct me in deep lithic wisdom.
Sneak into a bank and quickly consume a quarter ton of flowers to ingest the required volume of pollen and nectar.
Then, overnight, use your wax-producing glands to turn the vault into a hexagon-walled creche for our young!