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TODAY’S MESSAGE
What do you get if you come to my grand estate outside of town beyond the mists I can have my driver pick you up ha ha ha no don’t put the part where I’m laughing that makes it sound like a trap no don’t say anything about a trap this is a nice mailing list for jokes and invitations to my estate oh it’s ruined do not send
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A SLOVENLY CHILD: oh boy, that was a good meal, time to go outside and play, abandoning my dishes on the table and not washing my hands!
YOU (A GOOD CHILD): anything I’ve touched must be cleansed with fire lest it fall into the hands of my enemies, who can fashion a totem from any crumb that touched my lips and bend the universe against me through the connection I once had with it… I must move through this world without a trace
Drag down the sky and chain it out back, it’s Friday and it’s time to FOLLOW!
Sharpen your teeth and wind your hempen binders, it’s time to follow the following:
) The Stars – See how they bend?
) Ajdur, The Mouth Full of Ashes – Want to be rid of desire, dancing for months straight in service of this being that drowns pleasure in its wake? Follow!
) Kult Buddies (TM) – If you prefer your cultist robe to have a cute logo & your name on it, follow the KBs! They’re hiring! Ask for Gary!
Who wants to come over and play board games? I’ve got ’em all, I’ve got:
* ESCAPE from SEVERAL MONKEYS ISLAND
* DICE MASSACRE
* THAT’S LIFE: The Game Played with Wet Napkins
* ALIENS ABDUCTED MY HEALTHCARE
* Prussia 1882: 700 Miniature Soldiers Edition with Kickstarter Exclusive Bandage Packs and Soggy Boots
* Monopoly (SACCO & VANZETTI edition)
[relatable content for good children june 27 2018 early edition]
TEEN: aw man, my parents are so uncool, they always hide the car keys inside this drawer full of amulets that quiver with power and draw the eye and hand from across the room with unspoken compulsion and I just need to get in practice with parallel parking
YOU (A GOOD CHILD): grasp the amulets and let them burn your skin. we won’t need cars when we can master the air itself
Got the new StoMACH 2 installed at my neighborhood organic street surgery ’cause my job updating database tags to add “mood” descriptors to financial transactions had me feeling confident I’d be able to afford the patented StoMACH 2 vitamin slurry packets, like, forever, but even though I prepaid for a 5 year contract, their funding didn’t come through so the admins all moved to an undersea tax shelter, all orders cancelled and I can’t digest anything
how’s your Monday going?
Found out the translation plugin I got in my throat for this trip has been translating everything I say into a sales pitch for vitamin supplements because my payment for the paid version didn’t go through and the ad-supported freemium version got hacked by pharmaceutical unaffiliates, so…
How’s your Monday going?
visit scenic SECTOR ZETA where the cyberdreams of the 80s & 90s are alive and well!
we’ve got:
) razorgirls and rental phones
) sex bucket arrays with parallel processing
) a neon sign
) a guy who wears those sunglasses that are just, like, a line? Like, straight across?
) money is called ‘creds’… every day!
bring the family and bring your deck to jack in today!
Those aren’t teeth and the examination room’s door should be barred immediately with whatever furniture is available, then reinforced, before the entire place is lit on fire.
The 5th dentist never left the examination room and will be missed.
THE NEWS: oh boy, things are uncivil, you should probably be concerned though no one is asking your opinion about anything
ME: [ensconced inside a hermit crab shell-like structure made of unread books, mud brick, and pointy sticks] I need a bigger shell
lost time incident 77
Welcome to another lost time incident. The seconds keep ticking along and getting away from us, forming a chain hand-to-hand that drags us into the future against our will. According to clocks and pendulums, stone circles and star charts, it’s been about a month since I sent one of these out and there’s a good reason for that: I only just this morning clawed myself out of a deep pit of muck in which I was imprisoned by the Verdant Monarch as revenge for attempting to usurp the throne. I’m covered in mud and ready to type.
Okay, actually, I was playing host the last few weekends to some work colleagues from India. So it goes. I showed them the ocean. I made sure they tried fresh strawberries and chipotle salsa (not at the same time). All the wonders of this part of the world.
All of which means my book project has been untouched as well. What I did instead, to create the illusion of progress, was I paid an artist to create some artwork for the project. Here’s two images from maddison (aka DataErase). I love her animation/glitch aesthetic and wanted to see what she would come up with after seeing a bit of my witches.town writing. The results:
I really should get back to editing that project. But not today!
Today, I’ll send out this newsletter and that will feel like enough of an act of creation that I can go back to laying on the couch reading books, listening to the sounds of passing planes and trains through the open window.
Anyway, here are some more words!
get it?
“I’m not here to make friends.” – Dr. Frankenstein, consoling himself when his corpse-son has nothing in common with him when it comes to interests or hobbies
monster self defense ($80 M-W-F)
Mummy: This one’s easy and a good monster to start with when you’re learning the art of self-defense. Get in a ready stance, feet planted wide, and find your center. Then, give the mummy a compliment and offer a high five. When it puts its hand up, slap its hand so hard the whole creature falls to dust from the impact. This technique’s so easy, there’s room for me to teach you in the course description, which I just did.
Want to defend yourself from Dogmans? Draculas? Fishwitches? MANY MORE?!? Gotta pay $80 for the rest and these are just the tip of the monster pile of self-defense knowledge I can impart. See you on the musty mats of the community centre!
morning affirmations from my rejected manuscript of inspirational living advice
Each of the following affirmations are free to a good home, because apparently the publishing world is not yet ready for my truths, even though they look amazing when placed on a photo of a natural landscape.
Repeat as required daily:
we are updating our occult privacy policy
You are receiving this communication from us because at some point in the last few years, we have:
and/or
Due to new legislation, now we have to ask: Is it okay if we keep doing that?
ending theme song
Oh boy, that was fun, wasn’t it? Wow. Sure, some people like riding roller coasters, or falling in love, but subscribers to this mailing list know that nothing compares to idly scrolling down a long column of words.
The wind just knocked over a screen we put in front of our open front door to keep our neighbor from peering in, which means that either our neighbor now has control of the weather, or maybe it’s a windy enough day that we need to reconsider our open door policy.
If you don’t hear from me again, just assume I’ve ascended into the heavens, snatched up by powerful gusts that managed to lure me to the door with the screen-toppling ruse, and that from now on I can be found in the clouds.
Whoosh!
—Michael Van Vleet
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