1) Sometimes you have two of that chair, sometimes you don’t
2) People passing by your home point at it and say to each other “That’s where that shape-shifter lives.”
3) You’ve told yourself, to your own face, that you’re imagining things and there’s no shape-shifter in your home
4) Mail arrives addressed to RESIDENT SHAPE-SHIFTER
5) (trick question) You’ve been able to change your own shape the whole time
1) There’s no way you’re going to blow me out this airlock.
2) You know all this air goes with me, right? You won’t get it back.
3) Why do they call it an airlock when it’s the doors that are locked?
okay vemture camelinists, i gotta business for you it’s DISCOUNT CRYONICS, so get your shoeboxes of money here’s how it works
when you die I get your head and put it in teh box you gave me full of money years and years ago (bigger box of money you give me = more head room)
then I put your head in my mom’s freezer which is real big, only got Otter Pops in there, and then we wait ’til aliens are like “knokck knock got any heads?” and they bring you back to life
Everyone knows the bog witches and their damp cauldrons, positioned over smoky peat fires, and their potions that go down thick with a mossy tickle in the back of the throat.
But what of the desert witches, with their cauldrons that resemble enormous sandboxes, large enough for a full-grown adult human to recline in, and bury one’s self under a sand dune to hide from the unblinking sun? When wandering the sandy expanses they call home, an unwary traveler may come across a stray peaked hat on the ground and not even realize that it’s a sign there could be a submerged witch there, awaiting nightfall to rise again.
Or ponder the arctic witches with their… snow… and stuff. Okay, we couldn’t be bothered to visit them, it’s too cold. That chapter’s really short.
Every spring, the clocks jump ahead one hour. Every year, we pretend not to notice Alex sneaking out of town in the middle of the night, pockets bulging with time.
We notice, Alex. But we’re optimistic that you’re going to change. We don’t care what you’re doing with the time. Please come home.
The Signal: EP143 – Exactly 45 minutes of music hand-carved from globally sourced sounds, professional grade but suitable for home and your family.
This time out, we’ve got bleepy R&B sounds, dub-folk from Colombia, folk-pop from the States, a collaboration between German & Chinese producers, disco from Egypt, sublow from Minnesota and even more!
Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.
Or, if you like Spotify, I put every track into a playlist. First time doing that ever.
INVENTORY
oat bars (4)
oat bar (cursed)
dagger
scroll (not researched)
The Necklace of Barghavorn’t (2)
water buddy
wet things (8)
map
compass
hopes and dreams of your besieged village (20)
inventory list
bug armor
bug dagger
tomatoes (3)
I.O.U. to Bug Store for tomatoes
second notice from Bug Store
final notice from Bug Store
debt collection letter from debt bug
rope
water canteen
Lefty a few doors down said cyberpunk was gonna be the next big thing in the village, so we went over to his place and all he’d done was adhere a series of blinking lights to that large radish what won 1st place at Gemma’s Gardening Annual competition on account of this radish’s peerless heft and overall contour, aligning as it did with certain commonly held ideals of vegetable beauty.
Lights sure did blink for a while there and Lefty said capitalism was to blame, so that gave us all somethin’ to think about all right.
lost time incident 72
Howdy howdy howdy. Just as soon as I get these boots & spurs off, we can get this newsletter started. Just as soon as I’ve removed my 10 gallon hat and this silver star that says that I’m the closest thing this town has to “the law”, we can get this newsletter started. Okay, hold on, as soon as I take off this vest that has the little trailing leather things hanging off it, as well as these turquoise charms, we can get started. I just need to put down my six-shooter, and my rifle, and my knife, and my land grant papers, and my horse. Just… just putting them right down here. Where I can find them later. When we’re all done with this newsletter.
Okay. I think I’m all—
No, damn it, wait, I have to put down this blue sky that arcs from horizon to horizon, and all these miles of dirt, and these herds of cows, and that lazy river and then that’s it. Then I’m ready.
I’m just… I’m just going to hold on to this bighorn sheep. Just this one sheep. Okay, let’s do this. Here come more words.
THREE ESSENTIAL OILS YOUR BODY NEEDS THIS SEASON
The Oil of Nabgaranth – Drawn from the depths beneath the Lost City of Xxn, this oil coats your skin in a silky layer of luxuriance. As a kicky extra, it’ll also give you the perfect beach body once the tentacles finish growing in and stop aching! Surf’s up!
Product 18 – Sorry, we signed a non-disclosure agreement, but our lawyers have informed us that we must say, in this public forum, that this oil is essential.
S-oil – We mean “soil.” For agriculture. Just wanted to end the list with a fun little joke. But seriously, if we lose our topsoil, we’ve lost everything. You can’t eat sand.
Petition to Start Every Day by Sticking Arms Straight Up From Bed and Intoning “I…. RETURN!”
__________________________
[SIGN HERE]
[Share with Friends – Click Here(link removed by AccuLinx Security)]
a poster
YOU ARE INVITED
to a musical
JAMBOREE!
NO COVER CHARGE
— bring your beautiful bones —
**free calcium chews with every admission but you have to eat them immediately**
MAIN STAGE
Ogres But Not the Kind That Eat Bones
SECOND STAGE
Slurptime and The Marrow Spiders
secrets revealed
So much of magic is just done with staples. Not a lot of people know that.
Rabbit in a hat? It’s pinned in there with animal-friendly staples.
Crystal ball? Full of staples. You can hear ’em if you slosh the ball around.
Is this your card? Nope. It’s just a pile of loose staples.
Every star and moon on my robes is stapled on.
The magic was inside you all along and that’s too bad, because now the magic is stuck there. You shouldn’t be eating staples.
ending theme song
Not that you asked, but progress is still being made on the e-book project that’s going to consist of the best micro-fiction I’ve produced over the last year or so. I’ve got pieces picked out, sorted, labeled by theme. Now all that’s left is everything else, and then I’ll be done.
My social media fasting continues. In order to fuel progress on this e-book’s creation, I’ve sworn off the two big time-suck sites I was addicted to and now my social media belt can be tightened a few loops. And all this is costing me is the ability to stay in touch with the few friends I’ve managed to keep as an introverted adult, further isolating myself in service of a writing project whose target audience is unknown, but likely would have included some of these friends if they knew it existed, which they won’t if I don’t go back.
Someday I’ll go back.
Not today, though. Too much writing still to do.
Type-ity type-ity.
—Michael Van Vleet
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