) Free my mirror self from the mirror dimension… then immediately trap it in the shadow dimension. It’s not going to see it coming at all.

) Build a new familiar out of less flammable materials.

) Finally get my hands back on the correct wrists because no one believes I swapped ’em “because reverse clapping is going to be really hot this year”

) Send a blanket of imps through downtown to kick the ankles of everyone who plays music in public without wearing headphones.

) Finish this list <– Done already! This is easy!

SCAM ALERT!

Please don’t pay any money for Whittleshane’s Pocket Potion Pack! It’s a rip-off!

You wanna get into making potions? Just start mixing and drinking stuff. Every potion witch started the same way.

And most of ’em are dead. Learning curve is steep. But it’s an AFFORDABLE lifestyle. That was supposed to be a big part of its appeal.

If you buy your potion knowledge, what are you really learning? Nothing.

It’s Friday and we all know what that means! Time to remove the veil that covers our scrying pools so we can FOLLOW people!

For this next season cycle, we recommend following:

Our Lady of Parchment – Follow the sound of wind rustling open book pages. Will you gain forbidden knowledge? Or end up transformed into a living scroll, buried on a shelf? How would I know?

The Faceless Leader – No matter which way you turn, this figure is there ahead of you and no one has seen its face. Run if you can. Shout “hallooo” if you like. But some say if it turns to acknowledge you… then YOU become the one who is followed!

The Snail Racers – Super easy to follow.

“They call me… The Scared-of-Fire Kid.”

First sentence of my groundbreaking caveman/cowboy cross-genre masterpiece.

The Scared-of-Fire Kid walked into the village. As he passed by, women shooed their children into the comforting darkness of their caves. Local toughs, their lips smeared with fermented fruit, glared at him from under half-closed eyelids.

In the center of town, a wonder: Two big rocks stacked on top of one another.

“Well, I’ll be,” said the Kid. “Modern technology. What will they think of next?”

“This ain’t no concern of yours, Scared-of-Fire Kid,” said the leader of the club-wielding thugs. “Why don’t you just get back on your horse–”

“I don’t know what that is,” grunted The Scared-of-Fire Kid. “I don’t think that’s a thing that’s native to my biome. Or maybe they haven’t evolved yet?”

[NOTE TO SELF: When did horses?]

“We want you out of this cave, lady,” said the fur-wearing tough. “Our boss has big plans for this space. He found a big pile of meat and he wants to store it in here, where it’s cool, eating as much as he can before it magically transforms into flies, which is a thing we believe happens.”

“Transmutation?” said the cave-lady.

“Less talking, more walking,” said the tough.

“You having some trouble here, ma’am?” asked The Scared-of-Fire Kid, who was terrible at minding his own business.

“Before we fight, we have to count down,” said The Scared-of-Fire Kid, facing his foe in the middle of a dirt path.

“I don’t count,” said the caveman, swinging a sharpened bone.

“What?”

“In my head, numbers are like: one, two, three, many.”

“So we can count down from three,” said The Kid.

“I don’t see why we don’t just fight, like, right now.”

The Kid rubbed his unshaven jaw. “There’s this thing called ‘genre convention’–”

“What?”

The Kid sighed.

The mother and child, safe from the bone club-wielding band that had threatened their village, watched The Scared-of-Fire Kid gather up his things to leave.

“Why do you have to go?” asked the child.

“My work here is done,” said the Kid. “Also, those guys set fire to your home and, uh… man, I do NOT like that.”

“We can build another home,” said the mother. “And cook you something… if you’d stay.”

“What, like… cook with fire?” asked the Kid. “Yikes. No thanks.”

The sunset beckoned.

#1 – Unseat the King of Filth

#2 – Disband the Council of 18 Jerks and install a jerk co-op in its place

#3 – Turn around AT LEAST 360 degrees

#4 – Haul the Triumvirate of Bird Poets into the street and pelt them with damp feathers until they admit there’s not even three of them

#5 – Tear down the entire system that says that a year will ever end, so we never have to do this again

Q: What do you call a ceremony that involves candles, robes, a device for measuring the slipperiness of a dimension, and a chicken crossing a road?

A: I don’t know, but it’s happening in my basement and the walls are quivering and a bass note pealed like the cracking of a sky-sized bell!

Q: What do you call a witch wearing a hat?

A: Call them by the name they give you and never by the secret name you were never meant to know.

Q: How many witches fit into a bottle?

A: Seven. … Poorly.

Card Revealed: The 18 of Frogs

Orientation: Reversed

Associated with: Amphibians, travel, sprinkles on ice cream, regulations regarding the comportment of staff on cruise ships, disorder

Interpretation: Things are looking up for you! If you have been living in a pond with many croaking roommates, the universe is moving in a direction where you’ll have that pond to yourself! Pay attention to relatives and their gossip this week and don’t eat any flying insects.

Why don’t YOU try coming up with a secret handshake that works for everyone when your cult members have hands, tentacles, ghost fingers that are out of phase with this dimension, hooks, power gloves, drippy stalactites made of wrist-mounted fluid AND there’s one germaphobe who refuses to shake at all.

Your immune system is fine, Gary!