4 Ways to Fix the Most Common Shaving Mistakes

1) Apply oil and old parchment to a mirror in a door’s shape. A small sacrifice should allow your mirror twin to exit the mirror with its untouched skin and take over your life while you recover.

2) Curse the gods until, out of fear, they restore your skin.

3) Never shave. Let dark winds and your weird will animate every hair on your body into a beautiful weapon for use against your foes.

4) With 3 sharp intakes of breath and a virgin’s eyelash, cause time to reverse until your razor’s blade is restored to ore in a mountain’s heart. That’ll teach it.

Saturdays, right?

It’s Saturday and you know what that means! Time to swap out the cartridges on the respirators that keep us safe from the Plant Fog and time to lead the children in writing polite letters to the Vegetable Lord asking him to spare us from his green judgement!

THREE WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP THIS SUMMER

1) Marinate your partner in a brine for four hours. While their skin loosens, you can pass the time reading them love poems! When it’s loose enough, slip their skin off their skeleton and put it on yourself. Touch yourself through their skin. Let them watch you dance in it. Tell them how hot their skeleton is. TIP: Don’t forget to reglove them before they dry out!

2) Spanking! Have you tried it? Oh geez! It’s great!

3) Open a portal to the CoLoUr Realm and go with your lover outside of time, never to return. Rates are reduced while our realms are nearest! Any travel witch can arrange the trip!

lost time incident 58 – a choice of dooms

lost time incident 58
There’s a smell of baking bread. I’m at the end of a week-long staycation, much of it spent right where I’m currently sitting, in the corner of a large couch in my living room.

Tomorrow I go back to work. This weekend, this couch is leaving, to be replaced with one that isn’t collapsing on one side. None if this is going to last, so I’m writing some small part of it down. The electrons that bounce around and convey this to you will one day spin free and forget all of us. Nothing is actually preserved, but isn’t it pleasant to pretend?

At the end of staycations, I waste time trying to figure out where all the time went. Even though moment by moment, I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, I still suspect that I was wasting an opportunity. The past-me never accomplished what I want to have already accomplished (without requiring me to actually do it myself in the present).

Instead, I relaxed. Watched some movies I’ve been wanting to watch and some TV that I probably could have skipped. Read. Listened to a lot of music, and put out a music mix.

But I meant to do more writing, so here we are. Typing things out. You ready? I’m ready. Let’s get recycling!

 
how I made my fortune
You ever seen a bunch of dudes wearing fingerless gloves, all huddled around a trash can what’s on fire? That was me. I invented the trashcan with a fire in it. Cornered the market with drifters, rounders, and ne’er-do-wells. Sure, most of ’em paid in hobo nickels and purloined apple pies, but some of ’em… they paid in wisdom.

Which I reinvested. Now I sleep on a bed made of wisdom. And you could too, for a small monthly fee, to join my newsletter, written in chalk under highways or inside railcars! Convenient!

 

5 easy steps to home security
1) Use a deadbolt.

2) Whenever you leave home, leave your shadow behind, pinned to your front door, muttering to itself like you’re still home, and as the sun stretches it over the day its extended fingers can scratch the window sills and confirm they’re inviolate.

3) 3-5 hours before you head out, stop feeding the Hungry Thing that lives in the eaves. Tell the Hungry Thing that you’re never coming back, that it’s on its own.

3) Make sure all windows are clasped.

5) Cast a spell so that filthy thieves can’t see the number 3 and instead see a 3 in its place.

A-ha. I’ve found you out. You read this instructional and it allowed me to see you, thief.

 

a tarot reading
The medium deals out the cards. Each one, a business card.

“Your past: Dharmesh Singh, SEO Optimization. Words have held a powerful sway over your past.” I nod sagely.

“Your future: Emily Langtree, certified public accountant. This could mean you’re going to be held accountable for your actions.”

“Hmm.”

“Your present: This is my card. After 10 visits, get 1 reading free.”

“Are there any other mediums here I could talk to instead?”

 

5 Ways to Keep Your Makeup From Sliding Off Your Face This Summer
1) Befriend a gorgon or basilisk. You’ll find them near sculpture gardens. Bring a gift basket of cheeses and a willingness to give face time and you’re most the way there!

2) Craft an iron support mask with adjustable leather straps and never take it off.

3) Drink Solomyn’s Ichor Solution #8 to seal over your pores. You’ll sweat with your tongue, like a hound, but that make-up won’t move!

4) Transform into a being of pure energy and disperse into the cosmos.

5) Lacquer? I dunno. Some kind of glue? Face glue? As a last resort, if the other tips don’t work?

 

ending theme song
Well, it worked. Putting this newsletter together got me writing a slate of short pieces over on witches.town where I was using headlines from Cosmopolitan as prompts. The sliding make-up piece above is one of them.

Now… the big question… can I keep momentum going and get back to my current, biggest writing project? Oh man, I can’t wait to find out!

Thanks for sticking around and reading this no-longer-weekly newsletter. I hope it continues to be one of the more interesting items in an inbox full of professional newsletters you don’t want to read, product updates from software you don’t care about, LinkedIn invitations, and coupons.

3 Edgy Lip Looks That Are Actually Super Easy

1) The Queen of Blades – Arm your lips with a quartet of enchanted blades representing the 4 kingdoms. Duel your way to beauty with every smile!

2) The Well of Despair – Garland your lips with ashes, crushed lava stone, and adorn your cheeks with lilac accents. Every smile a funeral! Let all who look on you swoon and surrender all hope!

3) Red. A bright red. There’s lipstick this color. Super easy.

3 Rules Anyone With Oily Skin Needs to Follow

1) All oil should stay on the outside of your skin. All of those who have attempted the reverse have liquefied and now live in tanks, or in village wells, cursed.

2) Never allow yourself to be kept from any Temple of Fortune. With your oily skin, it will be easy to squeeze your way through the Goddess Chimneys that they provide to allow Fortune herself to come and go as she pleases. Won’t the guards be shocked to see you winning at the games tables, shiny and glowing, despite their attempts to ban you?

3) Continue following our beauty tips, for though you are already beautiful, education is forever.

5 Ways to Keep Your Makeup From Sliding Off Your Face This Summer

1) Befriend a gorgon or basilisk. You’ll find them near sculpture gardens. Bring a gift basket of cheeses and a willingness to give face time and you’re most the way there!

2) Craft an iron support mask with adjustable leather straps and never take it off.

3) Drink Solomyn’s Ichor Solution #8 to seal over your pores. You’ll sweat with your tongue, like a hound, but that make-up won’t move!

4) Transform into a being of pure energy and disperse into the cosmos.

5) Lacquer? I dunno. Some kind of glue? Face glue? As a last resort, if the other tips don’t work?

HOW TO GET A BEACH BODY

1) Write down on parchment a list of everyone who wants to see you fail.

2) Go to the beach under the light of the moon.

3) Wet the sand with tears, form it into a humanoid shape.

4) Insert your list into the shape’s “head”.

5) Complete the 18th Ward (Diremoth’s Chain), command the winds, and utter 3 lost names.

Voila! Your beach body will rise, ready to confound your enemies.

TO DISMISS: Say aloud “I look good” and believe it. This may take some practice.

YOUR TAROT READING

THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE PAST: The Knave of Flowers. In the past, you must have seen some flowers. Probably should have bought some.

THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE PRESENT: The Ungifted Anniversary Card. Don’t need that now, do you?

THIS CARD REPRESENTS THE FUTURE: 10 of Stamps Collected. A free gelato awaits for your next visit. Eat your feelings.

The Signal: EP135

The Signal: EP135 – Exactly 45 minutes of music specifically designed to introduce you to your new life as a member of the orb’s collective of special helpers. Bring those opposable thumbs and bodies made of matter right over, neighbor! We’ll smooth out every brain wrinkle you’ve got until your thoughts are a smooth surface and you’re ready to accept the orb into your life!

In this episode, we’ve got cut-ups, hip hop from France, the sounds of summoning cows & gods, dub blues(!), psychobilly, pop, face-melting rock from Belgium, and a song about tossing your ex into a volcano.

Download by clicking on the link (or image) above. The file is available only for a limited time. If you’re interested in the tracklist, it’s in the mp3 itself, in the id3 tags. Or, if you sign up to be a member of our mailing list, The Tuned In, you’ll be among the first on the planet to know when a new mix is posted, and you’ll get a permanent archive link and the entire playlist, delivered to your inbox.