INFOMERCIAL

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Has this ever happened to you?

[a shirtless man waves a stout tree branch in desperation, teeth clenched, surrounded by an encroaching army of over-sized red crabs, their claws drawing blood and rending the fabric of his pants]

Ha ha! Of course it’s happened to you! But what if there were another way?

Try new LOST TIME INCIDENT, a (so far) weekly newsletter from the guy behind this very infomercial: Michael Van Vleet, author of THE SPIRIT LEFT ME and the cult classic ME AND WHAT ARMY!

In your dusty, spam-clogged inbox, you could be receiving a fiction-and-nonsense-filled message to brighten your day. Finally! An email to look forward to! What an age we live in!

And you can go from this– [a crab’s claw shakily approaches the vulnerable throat of the shirtless man, who’s resisting its approach with all his strength] —

To this! [ a shirtless man pours tea from a dainty pot to tea cups on saucers, each one in front of a crab. the crabs are wearing top hats, monocles, or elaborate dresses and tiaras. a crab sips some tea, its pinkie extended— and the camera does a double take! How does a crab have a pinkie? it’s a human ring finger, attached with a corded rope of seaweed, and the camera pans over to the laughing shirtless man for an explanation, his hand bandaged where the finger used to be, and all the crabs rise and fall in nonverbal amusement at how silly their whole struggle was, and what’s a single finger among friends? ]

Subscribe now!

https://tinyletter.com/signalstation

The Young Adult Urban Fantasy Game

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One of my coworkers has joined a YA book club for fun. I asked her about the book she was reading at the lunch table, already halfway through the story.

Coworker: It’s a book about magic, set in a world where there’s several Londons.

Me: Stacked on top of each other?

Coworker: They’re essentially in other dimensions. One of the dimensions doesn’t have any magic–

Me: And that’s the one we live in.

Coworker: That’s the one that corresponds most closely to our world, yeah. There’s also a Darkest London that’s been locked off.

Me: I bet by the end of the book, the protagonist is going to have to get in there.

Coworker: Well, sure.

Me: I bet the hero is not confident about their magic, but they’re the only person that can do it.

Coworker: There’s actually TWO main characters who are the only people who can move between worlds.

Me: … I wonder if one of them will betray the other.

Coworker: One of them has ALREADY betrayed the other!

Me: (fist pump) I am GOOD at this game.

infomercial: lost time incident

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Has this ever happened to you?

[A middle aged man looks back and forth between a frying pan and an egg. He seems confused. He suspects the two are related somehow, but… how?]

Well fret no more, because the “lost time incident” newsletter is here to help. For the low low cost of entering your email address into a form, you’ll start getting assorted nonsense from Michael Van Vleet delivered right into your inbox.

[A full grown man in a chicken suit throws egg after egg into the middle of a frying pan. The pan, which is dangerously hot, starts sending clouds of black smoke up as the eggs curl and burn.]

Chicken Man: “I never used to get enough emails before! And now… I get one more email! The zipper on this suit is stuck! Do you think you can–”

And what’s more, if you join today (or on Sunday), you’ll get AT NO EXTRA COST the very first issue delivered to your inbox… and the second issue delivered Sunday night! That’s two for the price of none! This offer is null and void after this weekend!

[The man in the chicken suit has pulled most of the headpiece of the suit over his head, but as it’s attached to the suit’s body, his actual head is stuck somewhere in the chicken suit’s chest. He struggles, but manages a feathery “thumbs up” gesture.]

Chicken Man: “[muffled enthusiastic sounds]”

Sign up today! https://tinyletter.com/signalstation

Infomercial: lost time incident

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What if I told you: You could have a newsletter from Michael Van Vleet in your inbox, possibly on some sort of schedule, for less than you’re currently paying for your monthly electricity bill?

Is this you?

[A woman sits down at a laptop and, with the use of a claw-backed hammer, removes all the keys. She shreds napkins and lets them fall on the jagged remains of the keyboard, forming tiny paper-drifts, turning her laptop’s base into a faux winter wonderland.]

I can help!

By signing up for “lost time incident”, the new newsletter from signalstation industries, you could go from this: [a child’s illustration of a clown poking out from beneath a bed] To this! [the same child’s illustration, but now with a giant red circle and slash drawn across it]

But how?

Sign up now and at the end of this very weekend, you’ll get your first installment of Michael’s new writing experiment! You can unsubscribe at any time, of course, but [the sound of bows being dragged shakily across violin strings and the children’s drawing of an under-bed clown approaches while shaking violently].

Subscribe now! https://tinyletter.com/signalstation

the lost time incident tinyletter

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In the near future, I’ve decided I’m going to put together and maintain a mailing list. Over a year ago, I put out an ebook, mostly composed of old works of fiction, and I’ve yet to have a solid idea for what writing project to work on next. Having a regular, free form writing outlet will, I’m hoping, help with that process.

So the plan is: If you sign up for this email list, you’ll get autobio updates, short pieces, quick thumbnail reviews of media and a free cat. (First come, first serve on the free cat. You don’t even need to subscribe, I’ll give this cat away to anyone.)

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The Signal: EP121

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The Signal: EP121 – It’s pouring outside and the apartment is quiet. A cat tries to find the most imposing position possible that it can use to sit on me. On top of everything else, now there’s 45 minutes of music from around the world, available for download. What an age we live in.

This installment, you’ll be hearing some unique sounds from South Africa, rock from Hungary, Canadian pop about California, rocksteady from Jamaica, funky music from the U.S. and France, an avant garde vocal ensemble, vaporwave from New York, and a homemade blend of sketch comedy with plunderphonic Hawaiian vibes. If that sounds at all interesting, click on the link or image above to get yourself a copy.

The file is posted for a limited time. If you want to know artist/song titles, that information is in the id3 tags of the file itself. Most players can read that info for you. I have a few notes below about the process, should that be of interest.

Continue reading The Signal: EP121